Thursday, June 21, 2007

Pun Intended - 13

1) This conwoman with big boobs was on the run from the law. One day,the cops managed to nab her. They remarked ,"You're busted."

2) This alcoholic was not only sozzled to the gillsbut also high on drugs & was walking unsteadily. He lost his balance & hit his head on a stone. He sure was stoned,huh?

3) This wannabe pilot struggled with his flying lessons. After many months of trying to teach him to fly properly,the flight instructor threw his hands up in exasperation & said,"You don't have it inside you to be a pilot. That's the plane truth."

4) This god-fearing man had a peculiar habit of sometimes saying two words without a pause between them. When asked whether he was an atheist ,he replied ,"No,I'm atheist."

5) Thisguy wearing shoes with spikes was attacked by a few thugs. He kicked them using his shoes to maximum effect & they took to their feet. He sure shoed them away,what say?

6) This farmer was in the business of growing pears. However ,he was rankled by the fact that his colleagues always had a better quality yield. He could never surpass his fellow farmers in either quantity or quality. Saddened by this,he committed suicide as he couldn't bear the pear-pressure.

7) These country bumpkins were obsessed with eating egg-yolk. I guess you could call them yolkels.

8) This fat grizzly committed suicide as he couldn't bear the taunts from his fellow-bears.

9) This female grizzly was very shy when having sex for the first time. She couldn't bring herself to bear all.

10) On the eve of a performance,this guitarist was nervous to find that the strings of his guitar were tightened too much. His performance was affected very badly as he was highly-strung.

11) The principal scolded this boy for being late to school. The boy replied that he was late because he had to help a crippled woman cross the road. The principal dismissed it saying ,"Don't give lame excuses."

12) This guy had the misfortune of a sumo-wrestler falling on him. It proved "fat"al for him.

13) This guy & his g.f both were make-up artistes working in the film industry. They often had lovers' tiffs. However,they would always kiss & make up after a tiff.

14) This kinky guy was fond of shagging while rowing his boat in the lake. He said he got the best oargasms by doing this.

15) This bee was criticised by his community for being too lazy. The bee committed suicide after hearing the criticims as he felt beelittled.

16) This bee had lots of aspirations. Very ambeetious,wasn't it?

17) Heard about this Shakespeare-loving bee who was often pondering over the meaning of life?Well he'd often go ,"To bee or not to bee ,that is the question."

18) This curvy babe had an apiary of her own. The honeybees were very friendly with her. She always went to the beach without wearing anything. Why?

Answer : 'cos the honeybees would cover her body strategically to make a beekini.

19) Heard about this rich laundryman who got divorced recently? Well,his wife took him to the cleaners.

20) Heard about this guy who fell into a huge vat of grease? He thrashed & writhed for a long time before dying in a horrible way. Poor guy had a greasely death.

21) Heard about this laundryman who passed off money got from drug-dealing as legitimate? He had a real thing for money-laundering.

22) Dow Jones is coming out with a new method of measuring the stock market's performance, based on the share values of 30 top toilet-making companies. The new indicator is going to be called Dow Johns.

23) Donald Duck has bought NASDAQ. It's going to be renamed as NASDUCK.

24) This dwarf went to an astrologer & asked what his future was. The astrologer replied,"You will be a stunt-man & will achieve great heights in this."

25) I beat Mike Tyson at boxing. Yep,there's no one who can fold cardboard better than me.

26) This young man was being criticised by his family members for not wanting to join the box-making family business. The chap replied ,"Oh,c'mon ,let me go in for a new venture. Dare to think out of the box."

27) This guy was totally smitten by this top female golfer. You could say he was "putt"y in her hands.

28) This guy's wife complained to him that there was some problem in the plumbing system & the water flow was erratic. Instead of calling a plumber ,the guy bought an iron. His baffled wife asked him,"What the fuck?" He replied,"Haven't you heard of ironing out the flows?"

29) This never-say-die guy repeatedly tried his hand at winning a triathlon. He never won. However ,in recognition of his spirit ,he was awarded the "Tryathlon" trophy.

30) Scientists have discovered a new planet with many pits filled with venomous snakes like Kraits,cobras etc. Guess the planet has plenty of Kraiters ,huh?

31) This not-too-intelligent couple were purists when it came to ball-dancing. Yeah,whenever they had to do a ball-dance ,they would wear very loose clothes & no underwear.

32) Heard about this miser who loved to pinch women's bottoms with coins instead of his fingers? I guess you could call him a penny pincher.

33) This boy had a very weak memory. A day after he was taught about circles & chords in geometry class,his sieve-like brain undid all that he learnt. The teacher took the pain of going through the topic again & the boy began to slowly remember the previous day's stuff. Suddenly he exclaimed ,"Hey ,now it strikes a chord!"

34) Charles Schulz was once very pissed off with the poor pay & threatened to stop making cartoon strips. He said he couldn't continue if he was paid Peanuts.

35) Heard about this babe who was pissed off with her body-building obsessed boyfriend. Last heard,they were trying to work out the problems in their relationship.

36) This hotshot film director was fishing,when some important reels of his latest film fell into the water. He used the fishing rod to reel in the reels.

37) Where in England do all stupid people stay? Answer : Dorkester.

38) This thief who would alwayswear tattered clothes was fleet-footed. Whenever the cops chased him,he ran them ragged.

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