Sunday, November 16, 2008

Pun Intended - 41

1) Know why straight men are vegetarians?

Answer: 'cos they don't eat meat.

2) Heard about the ex-con who's now making a clean living as a grave-digger? Well, talk about burying the past.

3) Heard about this rich socialite who lost her status as the world's #1 shopaholic? You could say she's a spent force.

4) Heard about this guy who suffers from priapism and isn't a stickler for punctuality? Well, he always stands up his dates.

5) Know why this sharpshooter took some valium pills?

Answer: His nerves were shot.

6) Heard about this attention-seeker who stapled his lips & nostrils? Well, it did pay off. Y'see, everybody's attention was pinned to him.

7) So there's this fellatio competition. And just like it happens in a tennis Grand Slam, the top-seeded(!) ho faces off with the rank underdog ho in the final. The reporters buzz around the underdog & ask her about her chances against the heavily favoured topseed. Her reply, "I won't go down without a fight."

8) Heard about this guy who manages to ruin every business he gets involved with? No wonder he's called the "Jack off all trades."

9) Heard about this annoying acupuncturist? He's a prick indeed!

10) Heard about this irritating handyman? He's a tool indeed!

11) Heard about this guy who suffers from severe irritable bowel syndrom (IBS) ? No wonder the poor bastard feels pooped all day.

12) Y'know, I am impatiently waiting to fulfil this strange fetish of mine. The fetish being a hot babe licking my baby-batter off my chest. The day it happens, it'll certainly be a load off my chest.

13) Jack the ripper likes only sharp knives and cleavers. Yeah, if they're blunt, he gets pretty cut up.

14) Here's some friendly advice from a vegetarian - "Steer clear of beef."

15) Know why this bald man is so unflappable?

Answer : Nobody can get in his hair.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Pun Intended - 40

1) Heard about this grammarian who met with an accident?

Poor bastard's been in a comma ever since!

2) This lingerie company, which has found itself in dire straits, is downsizing. Yeah, many employees are being handed pink slips.

3) Sign outside a tony and obscenely expensive gym in London - "We make sure you lose pounds, this way or that way."

4) Heard about this legless guy who's famed for his calmness?

Well, it isn't a surprise given that nobody can tread on his toes.

5) Heard about this 'omo who's on his deathbed, thanks to heavy-duty smoking?

Talk about being at the fag end of life.

6) Heard about this guy who can resist the seductions of all women except the Chinese ones?

Guess he too has chinks in his armour.

7) Stealing fruits from a guarded tree requires you to be real plucky.

8) After years of denying having got silicon implants, this starlet has finally decided to make a clean breast of it.

9) Heard about this puppeteer who is never serious about any babe he beds?

Well, he likes to have relationships with no strings attached.

10) Heard about this hot-tempered stripper?

Well, she's very famous for easily losing her shirt.

11) Heard about this angler who thought he could strike it rich with cyber-crime ? Somebody told the poor sod that all it takes to be a cyber criminal is expertise in phishing.

12) This guy, depressed about his willie's small size, is pouring his heart out to his friends. Unbeknownst to him & his cronies, his old man walks over to the group and asks what they're discussing. Startled, the guy blurts out, "Oh, nothing, dad. Just having small talk."

13) Heard about this famous artist who looks like a Greek god?

No wonder he draws so many women!

14) Saw this documetary about dissecting cadavers?

It's truly visceral.

15) Here's a good copy for a condom ad: "I'm a stickler for punctuality... but on special occasions, I like to come late."

16) Following his arrest for getting a fellatio from a ho, this movie star is worried about his image. His manager assures him, "Oh don't worry. Public memory is short. In a month or so, this controversy will blow over."

17) Here's what I'll write to a babe when I am desperate to bed her:

"F _ ck. I can't complete this word without you."

18) I had got the shares of Frito Lay's dirt cheap way back then. Now that their value has appreciated a zillion percent, it's time for me to cash in on my chips.

19) Know why this Muay Thai champion snorts cocaine before his fights?

It gives him a kick.

20) Heard about this guy called John, who can delay his ejaculation as long as he wants to?

Everyone calls him "Johnny-come-lately".

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Pun Intended - 39

1) I told these group of gymnasts with some jokes. In fact, I had them in splits.

2) Heard about the talented but failed plumber? Poor guy didn't tap his potential.

3) A hot, curvy, va-va-voom babe from Thailand has moved in next door. I think I'll put into practise the phrase "Love Thai neighbour".

4) Heard about this hangman who's blessed with a large manhood? You could say he's well hung.

5) So this well hung guy invites over a call girl & asks her to give him head. When he drops out of his pants, the ho is stunned by his manhood & keeps on staring for a minute. Exasperated, the guy says, "Let's get down to business, shall we?"

6) Priapism can really give a man a hard time.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Pun Intended - 38

1) I won this contest for the best erection. When I showed off my trophy to my dad, he said, "Keep it up, son!"

2) I am reading this book on euthanasia. It's so bloody interesting that I just can't put it down.

3) Heard about this guy who's got an obsessive habit of giving the highway salute to anyone & everyone he sees? The shrinks who analyzed him couldn't put a finger on it.

4) This poor bastard who's a bit deaf is busy bonking his girlfriend. Sure enough, the broad gets an orgasm & lets out a barely audible "Oh my god". Unable to get her, he asks her, "Eh? Come again?"

(Now, before you pull out the knives, let me tell you that I'm myself hearing impaired & it's not that I enjoy making fun of disabilities in real life.)

5) This guy's got a strange problem of temporary hearing loss whenever he gets an erection. Hard of hearing, eh?
(He should thank his stars he doesn't suffer from priapism. And no, neither do I suffer from priapism.)

6) I am a very liberal man who thinks of curvy females 24/ 7. I guess you could call me broad-minded.

7) Heard about this poor bastard who died after beign savagely mauled by a Kodiak bear? You could say he met with a grizzly end.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Pun Intended - 37

1) I read in the papers that scientists are going to use gene modifications to make cows give milk in various flavours like strawberry, chocolate, so on. I think it's udder nonsense.

2) Heard about this bumbling guy who got caught while trying to smuggle hallucinogenic drugs? Well, you could say he made a hash of it.

3) Q - Why did Pepsi fire one of their top execs, who happened to be a junkie?

A - 'cos they caught him doing Coke.

4) The founder of the magazine "Hustler" is a miser, y'know? Yeah, Larry's a skinFlynt.

5) Heard about this Hispanic guy who has a fetish for cleanliness & neatness? Talk about being spic & span.


Not a pun, but what the hell -

Juan --> Huan
Javier --> Havier
Jose --> Hose
Jumper --> ??

Some new words - 31

Lacktate - To produce insufficient quantity of breast-milk.

Seephilis - A problem of immense eye strain caused by watching too much porn.

Looquacious - Droning on & on about toilets.

Jizzus - The God of male fertility.

Cellibate - One who has never used a cell phone.

Pshycopath - A psychopath who is bashful. (Now don't ask me what 'bash'ful means. )

Pryapism - Persistent problem of being a nosy parker.

Dissoriented - To have a tendency of insulting others most of the time.

Hundread - To be scared shitless of Attila the Hun.

Fournicate - To knock up 4 times.

Thesbian - A lesbian actress.

Enemya - To flush out your enemies. (If you're being buggered by your enemy, you now know what to do, don't you?)

Premoneytion - A feeling that you're going to lose money in the days to come.

Reinterpreting words - 28

Hunker - To desire strongly for a hunk.

Deliberate - To lambast a food shop.

Dramatic - Spectacular twitching of the face.

Consequence - A series of deceitful acts.

Humdrum - To hum & drum at the same time in a bored manner.

Curfew - Small number of mutts.

Triad - 3 Chinese advertisements.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Some new words - 30

Spayctre - A ghost that creates inside you a fear of castration.

Suemo - A big lawsuit.

Okaysion - Any event where a go-ahead is given.

Webshite - A really bad & shoddy website.

Caddylac - A company that manufactures golfing carts for caddies.

Weeird - A little bit odd.

Fobia - A strong fear of being deceived.

Man Fryday - The chief assistant to a chef who specializes in cooking oily food.

Defunkt - The state of having lost all funkiness.

Pun Intended - 36

1) This dumb babe gets a job as a lifeguard. On her first day to the job, she comes wearing nothing but a gun. Well, she was told to wear a one-piece swimsuit.

2) Q: What do you tell a golfer if you want him to remain steady while putting?

A: "Stay putt."

3) This kangaroo goes to a shrink to find out if anything's wrong with it. The shrink checks the kangaroo & says, "I think you jump to conclusions too much."

4) This thief is produced in the court on the charges of having stolen gold jewellery. After hearing the evidence, the judge says, "Your gilt is proven beyond doubt."

5) Q: What do you call it when a despicable person wants to throw up?

A: A wretch is wanting to retch.

6) Rapper Curtis Jackson is thinking of having his own line of perfumes. He plans to brand the perfumes by the name of "50 Scent".

7) Q: What do you say when you see a very fat woman?

A: "She's broad."

8) I joined this course for rapelling. Well, being a greenhorn & all that, I made heavy weather of it on the first day. The trainer tried to encourage me by saying it was a descent effort.

9) Night-vision goggles are really cool, y'know? Yeah, you can make light of darkness.