Saturday, June 30, 2007
Cartel - A phone in a car.
Stink - A foul smelling kitchen sink.
Yoghurt - To get hurt while doing yoga.
Omnipresent - To simultaneously give gifts to different people in different places .
Conscience - The science of conning.
Hagiography - A biography of an ugly old woman.
Contract - An area of land owned by a conman.
2) This conservative man (may their tribe decrease) was pissed off to see his hot daughter dressed skimpily. What did he do?
Answer : He gave her a dressing down.
3) This painter loves to play defensive chess,y'know? He draws all his games.
4) This old man runs the biggest poultry business in the country. One day, his son usurps the business from him & throws him out. A case of coop d'etat , huh?
5) This vulture is eating a dead animal's flesh. A fellow vulture asks him ,"Whatcha doin'?" The first vulture replies ,"Eating. I'm busy ,don't disturb me" The second vulture says,"Oh,ok,carrion."
6) This guy is excited by the idea of swapping partners for a night of fun. So he asks his wife whether she's willing to go along with him. She replies ,"My mind is swinging between yes & no."
7) This man goes to a dentist. The dentists says his teeth are in such bad shape they gotta be knocked out. The man becomes distraught. The dentist says ,"You have to face the bitter tooth."
8) This guy who's in the business of tyres eats ,drinks & breathes tyres. His wife ditches him. Why?
Answer : She's tyred of his obsession.
9) This channel showed some programmes that were anti-Blacks. Following widespread protests,the channel was blacked out.
10) This guy has a strange desire for having sex with a witch. So he goes to a pimp who specializes in these things. Upon reaching ,the pimp parades half a dozen witches & asks ,"Witch one do you want to bed?"
11) This celebrity is fed up of the wild allegations against him. So when a reporter levels yet another allegation at him during an interview ,the celeb moons the reporter. Nice re'butt'al , eh?
12) A puma likes to talk very softly & lovingly. I guess that's why a puma is also called a coogar.
13) This chef is very eccentric & crazy, y'know? Yeah, he's a kook.
14) Wiley Publishing is coming out with a book on ventriloquism. It's targeted at beginners. The book is going to be called "Ventriloquism for dummies"
15) Researchers have said that African men have the largest penises. They also say that Caucasians come second & Asians the last. I say that this is a phallacy.
16) This punk is accused of copying in an exam. After a thorough inquiry , he is given a clean chit.
17) Heard about this once shapely babe who has now become fat & dumpy? Talk about going to waist.
18) Why do females go to beaches?
Answer : They love to indulge in beaching.
19) I am thinking of being a bird-seller. Yeah, I think I'll hawk hawks.
20) This monster is busy wolfing down goblins. A fellow monster passing through sees him & says ,"You sure are goblin' your food , huh?"
21) Heard about this suspicious baker? He is always doughtful of everyone.
22) Heard about Odin, the rain god & the also the king of gods? He rained supreme.
23) Heard about this brave baker? He's very doughty.
24) This brick-maker is very upset with his wife since she's cheating on him. Y'know what he wants to do?
Answer : He wants to kiln her.
25) This brick-maker is fond of his pals & relatives ,y'know? He likes to be with his kith & kiln all the time.
26) This guy hires a hitman to finish off his cheating wife. He tells the hitman ,"As soon as you see her in a lonely spot ,killer."
27) This black man threatens to release lurid & compromising photos of this actress unless she pays him a million dollars. A classic case of blackmale, eh?
28) These 2 countries are constantly warring with each other. One day ,they decide to have a dance competition instead of a war. Sure enough, the dance contest proves a smash hit & brings the people of the 2 countries together. Nothing like dancing to break down the waltz,eh?
29) I wand to be a magician.
30) This black monster with 3 heads goes to a dermatologist & says ,"I have got blackheads."
31) Heard about this group of people that loves trees? They always say ,"Willow trees."
32) This company that makes trays has reported that its profits have traybled.
33) This manufacturer of computer screens finds that their goods are being stolen from the storehouse. So they decide to monitor all storehouse activities.
34) This suitcase-maker has bagged a multi-million dollar contract.
35) This lady is unhappy with her butt because of the cellulite. She goes to a gym & asks what should be done. The trainer says," You've to exercise a lot. That is the bottom line."
36) This dullard is very depressed. So he goes about smashing all the booze bottles he can see.Why?
Answer : He wanted to hit the bottle to forget his depression.
37) This guy drowns in the sea. His pals decide to drown their sorrows in booze.
38) This guy says,"Look ,I've built a well all by myself." The people reply ,"Well done."
39) Caterpillar Inc has come out with new radical earthmovers & excavators. Those machines are truly groundbreaking.
Now for a joke that lies in a twilight zone between a normal joke & a punny joke. Here it goes :
What does Superman say when he's about to have sex?
Answer : Up, up & away!!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
2) This guy wins a fishing contest. He is asked how he felt when the winners' names were about to be read out. He replies ,"I was waiting with baited breath."
3) This government introduces a controversial proposal to construct a mega dam. Following widespread protests,it waters down the plans.
4) This arrogant & tyrannical king was a pain in the ass to the people. One day ,the people decided enough was enough. What action did the people take?
Answer : They got the king throne out.
5) This temple has 10,000 steps leading to it. No wonder you end up stairing at it in awe.
6) This shapely babe has been selected to promote awareness & importance of literacy. She's going to spread the message of learning the 3 arse.
7) This contest for the most well dressed man ended in a tie.
8) This woman ,an owner of a confection company is definitely eye-candy.
9) A bald man has got lost in the forest. The rescue teams are combing through the forest for him.
10) This drapery company is struggling with losses. It's curtains for them.
11) This guy , who attacked the government with his funny writings/speeches has been clamped down upon. Gagged,eh?
12) This frog is addicted to booze ,you know? Yeah ,it drinks toaddy all the time.
13) Odin ,the rain god ,was pissed off with Loki,the trickster god. Why?
Answer : 'cos Loki would rain on his parade every now & then.
14) This writer loses his right arm & along with it,his righting career.
15) This guy named Robert is saved from drowing by the life guard. The life guard says,"I saw him bobbing on the water helplessly."
16) This sprint race for zombies ended in a dead heat.
17) This magician-turned-finance minister kept increasing taxes all the time. Why? Answer : 'cos he was good at levytation.
18) This gay man is a pervert ,y'know? Yeah, whenever he visits a urinal ,he likes to take a sneaky glans at other men's tools.
19) This babe has been signed on by Victoria's Secret to be their 'bra'nd ambassador.
20) This farmer gets trapped under bales of hay for a long time. Upon being rescued , he says , " It was a hayllish experience."
21) This lingerie company is struggling with sales because of poor management. The shareholders have decided to sack the top bras.
22) This guy gets shot in the ear. It affects his hearing so much that no matter how close he stands to you ,he's always out of earshot.
23) This female model spurned an offer from a lingerie company. She's now regretting for letting slip the deal.
24) This two dullards are having an argument. A passerby suggests that they thrash out their differences. So they begin fisticuffs.
25) This babe finds that she's drifting apart from her boyfriend. She decides to ditch him. She's thinking of the best way to intimate him of this.
26) Even if you are a below average student,it's still easy to get admissions to top colleges. All you have to do is to be very shy. Not got it? Shy = Reserved.
(This pun is India-specific unlike the others)
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
2) How do you attack a prostitute?
Answer : You hook her.
3) This software company is struggling to meet the deadline to come out with a new word processor. In an attempt to speed up the development ,the company has adopted a caret and stick approach.
4) This hotshot director, a hard taskmaster demanded repeated takes in his quest for perfection. His film's main actor dropped out of the film. Why?
Answer : 'cos he couldn't take it anymore.
5) This fashion designer comes up with a new transparent dress. The fashion critics dismiss it as sheer nonsense.
6) How did this maker of marble tiles react after his company went bankrupt?
Answer : He lost his marbles.
7) This maker of silicon implants for breasts has gone bust.
8) This geologist eats ,drinks & sleeps rocks all the time. He's got rocks in his head.
9) Hugh Hefner's Playboy approached this prudish beautiful woman with an offer of 1 million dollars to pose topless for them. How did she react?
Answer : She blew her top.
10) This golfer is suspicious about his girlfriend's fidelity. So he always keeps an eagle eye on her.
11) This rich guy , a staunch vegetarian, had a sizeable percentage of shares of a food company. When the company decided to introduce steak ,he decided to protest. How?
Answer : By offloading his steak in the company.
12) This doctor managed to make a successful transition to being a politician. Guess why?
Answer : 'cos he was an expert in taking the pulse of the people.
13) This towel making company is into deep losses. They are thinking of throwing in the towel.
14) If I am given an overripe banana I will go bananas.
15) Sign outside a very popular public toilet : Mind your Pees & Queues.
16) This farmer grows the best beetroots on this earth. No one can beet him.
17) I have heard there's a beautiful young woman working in the bank. I think I'll cheque her out.
18) This guy is wanted by the police for issuing dud cheques. When they nab him ,they say,"You are chequemated."
19) Heard about this hot babe, a fashion designer? Well,many men have designs on her.
20) This farmer provides the most luscious hay for his cows. The cows think that the place is hayvenly.
21) The barber tried his hand at golfing. He couldn't make the cut in any tournament.
22) This girl just enters puberty. Obviously confused by the changes, she asks her mum whether anything is wrong with her. Her mum replies,"You are perfectly alright. Period."
23) This stock broker has a fetish of stealthily following babes. Yeah,he is a born stocker.
24) This textile mill is struggling with heavy losses. Its demise looms large.
25) Last Friday was miserable. The hot & humid climate was compounded by a power cut. That day turned out to be Fryday.
26) I am simply bored of being envious of others. Guess it's envy ennui.
2 more jokes,nothing to do with puns,but here because of lack of numbers to justify their own thread :
1) I am byslexic.
2) I am a firm believer of the give-&-take policy. You give me something nice & I'll take it.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Protests - Very supportive of tests.
Mushroom - A room meant for getting sweet & sentimental.
Splash - To disturb placid waters with a whip.
Mementos - Mints kept as souvenirs.
Capable - The quality of something allowing an upper limit to be put on it.
2) The tracks of the railways were found to be of poor quality,leading to frequent bumps. No wonder that everyone's railing against the railways.
3) This dog is blessed with great stamina. He's capable of digging a 6 feet pit without a pawse.
4) This painter is blessed with good health. You could say he's hale & arty.
5) This guy believes that drinking ale is the way to being ale & hearty.
6) These two guys are constantly bickering over who can draw a better square. Last heard, they were getting ready to square off to settle this issue.
7) This Oriental man has recently relocated to the big bad West. He is finding the alien culture of the West quite disorienting.
8) This particular fish is prone to complaining. Why?
Answer : 'cos the fish is a carp!
9) What words does a man use when he wants to say goodbye after a one-night stand?
Answer : Schlong. (So long...geddit?)
10) Dow Jones is coming out with a new indicator for world peace. The new indicator is going to be based on the 30 most peaceful countries. It is going to be called the "Dove Jones".
11) This teenager gets fined by a cop for rash driving. The teenager arrives home visibly shaken. His mom notices this & asks him if he's okay. Not wanting her to know the truth,the teenager says ,"I'm fine."
12) This moneylender likes solitude ,y'know? Yeah,he's a loaner.
13) This babe has a stylish way of getting angry. You could say she's got a flare for getting angry.
14) Each of these 2 hot-tempered guys claim that he can spit the farthest. As I say this,they are having a spat.
15) This baby deer likes to fawn on everybody .
16) This Japanese guy has a yen for becoming rich.
17) This rich young woman is quite a good-lucre.
18) This guy ,who is suffering from erectile dysfunction, always makes excuses when his g.f demands sex. His standard excuse is ,"I'm very tired. I don't feel up to it."
19) This cricketer is fond of smoking marijuana on the eve of important matches. This affects his fielding very badly. Can you guess in what way?
Answer : It makes him grass catches.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Answer : 'cos a thief is a home-breaker!
2) Ford ,the car maker from USA , has launched the most expensive car in the world. The damn thing is unaf'ford'able.
3) Heard about this bad film about chickens? Well, it laid an egg at the box-office.
4) I have got the hots for this beautiful female lawyer. I think I will court her.
5) Everybody's complaining that I use too many expletives. I swear I'll kick this bad habit.
6) This weather-man got a book about rain. He's pouring over the book.
7) This baker has started a charity. He's asking for doughnations.
8) Dow Jones is coming out with a new indicator of stock market prices ; based on the share value prices of the 30 top bakeries. The new indicator is to be called "Dough Jones".
9) Heard about this guy's peculiar illness of getting weak on every Friday,Saturday & Sunday? Guess you can say that he's weakened every weekend.
10) This particular period in the past had everyone having pimples willingly. Know why?
Answer : It was the Zitgeist.
11) This dullard didn't get the joke about a fat guy. I guess you could say the dullard missed the paunchline.
12) Heard about this guy who is fond of drinking gallons of ale? Well, he's fallen sick from drinking that vile stuff. You could say he's aleing.
Treaty - The person who's being given a treat.
Ireland - A country of angry people.
Conundrum - A drum that is very difficult to play.
Bumpkin - To collide with a relative.
Psychopath - The way to being a person with an antisocial personality.
Hubcap - The cap of most interest.
Retired - To get tired again.
Plywood - To use wood.
Erupt - To lose temper on the internet.
Century - A dollar.
Pineapple - To intensely long to eat apples.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Pillfer - To steal medicinal pills.
Griefon - A sorrowful winged monster with an eagle-like head and body of a lion.
Condour - An unfriendly large bird.
Zerro - A flop Zorro.
Beesieged - To be surrounded by bees.
Samartian - A helpful Martian.
Currupt - To further ruin an already inferior dog.
Pollytic - Habitual twitching of a parrot.
Pollitic - The nervous twitching experienced by scumbag politicans at the time of elections.
Porkupine - To intensely long to eat pork.
Friday, June 22, 2007
2) There are rumours that this whisky making company is going to sell off its business. The CEO of the company has scotched the rumours.
3) This guy is a champion at playing peekaboo. He says ,"You should be in top form only at the time of the competitions. It's all about peeking at the right time."
4) Heard about this couple who were caught having sex in the office loo? Well,they've been laid off.
5) This seminar about breaking into houses is going on. Those attending are latching on to every word spoken by the master thieves.
6) This mobile phone company is making profits as its cells have zoomed up.
7) This company that is into stem cell research & related therapy has its profit hit by a government bill that places severe restrictions. The company says the all the bill has managed to do is to stem their cells.
8) Heard about this discourteous magician? Everyone feels sleighted by him.
9) This cricket coach is desperately hunting for people who cry at the drop of a hat. Y'see ,he wants a good bawler.
10) This writer ,who writes with a pen instead of typing , has a nasty fall while having sex in the bathroom. His dick bears the brunt of the fall. He goes to a doctor who examines him & says that he will never be able to write again in his life. Why?
Answer : 'cos the writer suffered a 'pen'ile fracture.
11) The only roles this babe gets is that of a damsel in distress in horror films. All she has to do is run like mad & scream "Eek!! Eek!!" She gets paid a lot for this. Not a bad way to eek out a living,huh?
12) Heard about this female grizzly who is totally bewildered as to where her expensive rings are? She has lost her bearings.
13) This director is making a film about animals. He wants a duck with an exquisite beak. After a long drawn hunt for ducks, he settled on this particular duck. The director says the chosen duck fits the bill perfectly.
14) This duck is wary whenever someone says ,"I'll foot the bill." Why?
Answer : 'cos he thinks this means his beak is going to be kicked.
15) This potato wants to be alert all the time. So it takes of its skin. Why?
Answer : It wants to keep its eyes peeled!
Real McCoy - Genuinely shy.
Deadlock - A lock that is longer of any use.
Flagellate - To beat & stomp a flag.
Boost - To raise the level of booing.
Buffer - A person who makes others naked.
Biscuit - A short comical drama performed by bees.
Consummate - The act of a female eating its male partner after mating i.e sexual cannibalism (Think black widow,praying mantis)
Peegeon - A pigeon suffering from urine incontinence.
Peecasso - A famous artist who paints while taking a piss.
Scrotinise - Examine a man's testicles.
Googgles - A carefully searched pair of sunglasses.
Copee - To imitate someone's style of taking a piss.
Unick - A one-of-its-kind cut.
Moteevation - The motivation to play golf.
Candy Flaws - A defectively made candy floss.
Eekcentric - An oddball who makes others go "Eek!!".
Sascotch - A whisky-loving Bigfoot.
2) Heard about this babe who loved dots to an extreme extent? You could say she 'dot'ed on dots.
3) This little kid demanded a tent from his parents. When they said no,he threw a tentrum.
4) What happens a Hispanic man is interrogated?
Answer : He spills the beans.
5) Heard about this lazy firefighter? Well ,he's been fired recently.
6) This guy who was fond of riddles ,got into the underworld's bad books. The underworld riddled his body with bullets.
7) Heard about this guy who has made a lot of money from selling vacuum cleaners? Well, he's certainly achieved a lot of suckcess.
8) This guy goes to a doctor & says he's worried about his urine incontinence problem. The doctor dismisses it as a peeffling problem.
9) This underworld don was often criticised for his bad fashion sense. It was a long time before it 'dawn'ed on him that he had to don better clothes.
10) This legless man's friends are unwilling in taking him to restaurants along with them. Why?
Answer : 'cos he never foots the bill.
11) This guy was diagnosed with a major shitting problem. He was 'shat'tered.
12) Heard about this male deer who never believes in trends? Talk about bucking the trend.
13) Heard about this bodybuilder who had a perfect mesomorphic body? Well,down the line, he lost interest in pumping iron & went to waste. His body is now a messomorphic body.
14) This chef ,who is the creator of a prized leek soup is very upset. Why?
Answer : 'cos his secret recipe has been leeked.
15) This ugly woman went to a cosmetic surgeon & got herself a brand new face. She then said it was the beginning of a new face in her life.
16) This powerfully built basketball player turned to being a club bouncer after his retirement from the game. Guess he was addicted to bouncing.
17) This rich guy who's in the business of manufacturing vests is fed up of babes having vested interests in him.
18) How do you attack a juggler?
Answer : You go for the juggler.
19) This plumber had a real talent for tap dancing.
20) I have it in me to be the world's best plumber. I just have to tap my potential.
21) This hot-tempered scrap dealer was dumped by his g.f. Why?
Answer : 'cos he would get into a scrap every now & then.
22) This guy is increasingly vexed by this horse who refuses to let him mount it. Talk about mounting frustrations.
Impairfect - A couple not meant for each other.
Lasscivious - A babe who arouses lust in men.
Tollerate - To put up with an unjust tax.
Tarzen - A Tarzan who's fond of meditation.
Shagacious - Having acute insight about masturbation.
Knitwit - A stupid person who doesn't know knitting.
Petrified - Scared of pets.
Success - A tax levied on achievements.
IMmersed - Engrossed in online chatting.
Impair - A couple of small demons.
Cockpit - A pit for storing bobittised dicks.
Copulate - To make a cop late for work.
Plankton - One thousand kilogrammes of sawn timber.
Leakage - To disclose someone's true age.
Loofah - A sponge used for cleaning the toilet.
Tadpole - A small pole.
Tango - Removal of tan.
Layman - A gigolo.
Parenthesis - A thesis on parents.
Parentage - A parent becoming old.
Exhaust - To host your ex.
Two-timer - Someone who has two watches.
Parched - To be deprived of pars on the golf course.
Judgemental - A crazy judge.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
2) What do you call it when a lot of energy generating machines are crowded together?
Answer : The machines are cheek-by-joule.
3) This seller of yachts & boats was struggling with sales. He hired a consultant to point out shortcomings & suggest improvements. It was smooth selling after that.
4) I desire a piano. I will go Chopin for it very soon.
5) The small letters & capital letters of the English alphabet are at war with each other. The court is hearing the case between the two.
6) This cop was an expert in gleening information from jokers.
7) This guy ,who's very good at geometry ,is very good at fishing also. Why?
Answer : 'cos he's a good angler!
8) A salesman employed by a toilet-making company has to have a good sales peetch.
9) This guy ,who was troubled by a farting problem for many years ,got cured very recently. He says he has got a second wind in life.
10) This short-tempered gastroenterologist's g.f ditched him. Why?
Answer : 'cos she couldn't take anymore of his bile.
11) Be careful of this sneaky joker. You never know where he's larking around.
12) This duck ,who's unhappy with his small beak ,went to a cosmetic surgeon. After the operation,the doctor demanded a lot of money as his fees. Last heard, the duck took the doctor to court for overbilling.
13) This skinny celeb is hopping mad with a tabloid for alleging that she is suffering from anorexia. She says she won't take such slender lying down.
14) This political party is very devastated by their miserable show in the elections. A poll of gloom hangs over their headquarters.
15) This babe was harassed by lewd text messages sent by a guy. She dragged him to court for textual harassment.
16) This cricket team relies on its doctor for its success. Why?
Answer : 'cos he doctors the pitch on the eve of a match.
Innitiate - To start a hotel.
Buyology - The science of buying.
Quicksotic - To have an unrealistic ambition of achieving a very high speed.
Roastrum - An elevated platform for speaking ,that is too hot.
Misojeanist - One who hates jeans.
Paltree - A worthless tree.
Phantome - A ghostwritten large book.
Simpathise - To pity someone who's struggling with playing Sim City.
Idiosyncrasy - Naughty things performed in unison by idiots.
Debar - To prevent from going anywhere near a counter where alcoholic drinks are served.
Ragamuffin - A sloppily made muffin.
Tomahawk - A love-child of a male cat & a female hawk.
Teepee - A strange concoction made from tea & urine ,drunk by American Red Indians.
Antelope - An ant that runs away with its lover.
Surrogate - A makeshift gate.
2) Heard about this frustrated pig? You could say it was 'ham'strung.
3) These male pigs found the cute female pig very baconing.
4) Heard about this pig in the film industry? It hams a lot.
5) The devil visited the offices of Boeing & Airbus recently. Y'see ,he wants to buy a hellicopter.
6) This baker-cum-pizzaman had a flourishing business.
7) This flooring company has a floorishing business.
8) Heard about this lion who has opened a shop? He's doing a roaring trade.
9) This guy goes to a shrink & says ,“I've got a problem of being with my friends all the time. I just can't seem to pull on without having friends by my side all the time.” The shrink replied ,“You have a cronyc problem.”
10) What was Caesar's least favourite drink?
Answer : Brut.
11) If Brutus had a twin,what'd have been Caesar's last words?
Answer : Et two ,Brutus?
12) This lover of trees made a big mistake when he cut down some trees to make room for his new house.Roundly criticised ,he had no option but to green & bear it.
13) What do well built male bees play?
Answer : Rugbee.
14) Heard about this serious undertaker? He always speaks gravely.
15) Heard about this farmer who's into pears? Well,his pears are the best. No one else comes close to matching him. You could say he's pearless.
16) This guy had a peculiar problem of forgetting things that happened in the month of May. Guess he had a bad maymory.
17) Heard about this forgetful woman who also has one of her breasts misshapen? You could say she has a bad mammary.
18) I found some plane journeys exceedingly dull. I couldn't put a finger to it until one day , after another dull journey ,I happened to see that “Boeing” was painted on the plane.
19) Heard about this violent guy who's also a party animal? Well,every night ,he goes clubbing.
20) This maize farmer was a whiz at solving mazes.
21) This maize farmer tried his hand at being a joker. He failed. Why?
Answer : 'cos people found his jokes corny.
22) Microsoft is coming out with a new operating system targetted at babies & young children to prepare them to use more complex operating systems at a later stage. This new o.s is going to be named “Weandows”.
23) Heard about this Japanese lesbian who's also a good singer & a good dancer? Well,she wants to become a gaysha girl.
24) This guy had wild ambitions of becoming the world's best plumber. His mates said it was a pipe-dream.
25) Heard about this guy who has the special ability to go about without making any noise? Well,he's quiet good at it.
26) Heard about this dwarf whose foresight is good? Well ,he's a weesionary.
27) This man went nuts after being castrated.
28) Heard about this beer loving thief? He'd go around 'mug'ging people.
29) It's best not to have a beef with a powerfully built bull.
30) Heard about this guy who owns an albino elephant with a gargantuan appetite? Well,he says it's tough to maintain a white elephant.
Fox pas - A social blunder made by a fox.
Jeanie - A denim-clad genie.
Victoriknox - A multi-purpose Fort Knox i.e capable of storing gold,silver ,platinum etc.
Assoteric - The secrets of a shapely butt being confined only to a select group of people.
2) Heard about this beer loving baseball player? He's a good pitcher.
3) I am thinking of coming out with a strange,wacky tasting beer. I am going to name it “Beerd”.
4) This babe is known for talking rudely with everyone. She's called “Diss-miss”.
5) The rock band named “Ghosts” had a sell-out concert. It was a spooktacular success.
6) This ghost couldn't see clearly. Y'see ,it had misplaced its spooktacles.
7) These zombies play football a lot. They often end up being dead tired.
8) Heard about this snobbish giraffe? It looks down upon everyone.
9) This guy has a compulsive habit of stealing everything & anything made out of clay. Guess he's a clayptomaniac.
10) This guy has a talent for playing the piano while taking a piss.He's a peeanist.
11) The council of gods criticised Apollo ,the Sun god,for beating down a bit too harshly on the earth. He Apollogised for his mistake.
12) This gigolo ,who serviced gay men,fell ill on the occassion of servicing a customer. So he called his fellow gigolo & gave him detailed directions to the customer's house ,told him how much money to charge & many other instructions. He ended the conversation with ,“So do my job,ok?”
13) This powerfully built man liked to drink stout in the pub.
2) The army placed a multi-billion dollar order for sten-guns from a shady arms dealer. The arms dealer took the money & sent nothing. The army was stenned by this.
3) I love bulls very much. I am thinking of having an ambullance to treat injured bulls.
4) The coffee industry ,the tea industry & the alcohol industry were at loggerheads with each other. It was a brewtal war out there.
5) This little boy finally learnt to add numbers. He was so happy that he did sumersaults.
6) I have a strong liking for puns. You could say I have a punchant for them.
7) This violent man had a punchant for getting into fights.
8) This punster had a nasty fall while having sex in the bathroom. His head & dick bore the brunt of the fall. The doctor said he could never have sex again because of penile fracture. If this wasn't bad enough,the doc also said that he could never make puns again because of punile fracture.
9) This beer-swigging golfer says beer makes him a better golfer. He says that beer makes him to make more beerdies on the golf course.
10) The auditors were scrutinizing the finances of this advertising agency. They smelt a rat & said that the numbers don't ad up.
11) This flea was very wasteful & reckless. His mates said he was profleagate.
12) This guy is having a problem of lacking confidence to speak. The shrink has diagnosed him as suffering from insaycurity.
13) This fat lady was unhappy with her butt. After months of exercise,she became shapely. The physical change was asstounding.
14) This newspaper baron's wife complained that he wasn't giving her enough attention. He replied, “Dear,I've other 'press'ing matters to attend to.”
15) Heard about this corrupt guy with low morals? He recently lost his buttocks in an accident. Guess ,he's truly become debased.
16) This punster made puns only about loos & pissing. He ended up being too repeetitive.
17) This grizzly made a big boo-boo & was roundly laughed at by fellow grizzlies. He had no option but to grin & bear it.
18) This female grizzly was depressed. Know why?
Answer : 'cos she couldn't bear a baby.
2) This alcoholic was not only sozzled to the gillsbut also high on drugs & was walking unsteadily. He lost his balance & hit his head on a stone. He sure was stoned,huh?
3) This wannabe pilot struggled with his flying lessons. After many months of trying to teach him to fly properly,the flight instructor threw his hands up in exasperation & said,"You don't have it inside you to be a pilot. That's the plane truth."
4) This god-fearing man had a peculiar habit of sometimes saying two words without a pause between them. When asked whether he was an atheist ,he replied ,"No,I'm atheist."
5) Thisguy wearing shoes with spikes was attacked by a few thugs. He kicked them using his shoes to maximum effect & they took to their feet. He sure shoed them away,what say?
6) This farmer was in the business of growing pears. However ,he was rankled by the fact that his colleagues always had a better quality yield. He could never surpass his fellow farmers in either quantity or quality. Saddened by this,he committed suicide as he couldn't bear the pear-pressure.
7) These country bumpkins were obsessed with eating egg-yolk. I guess you could call them yolkels.
8) This fat grizzly committed suicide as he couldn't bear the taunts from his fellow-bears.
9) This female grizzly was very shy when having sex for the first time. She couldn't bring herself to bear all.
10) On the eve of a performance,this guitarist was nervous to find that the strings of his guitar were tightened too much. His performance was affected very badly as he was highly-strung.
11) The principal scolded this boy for being late to school. The boy replied that he was late because he had to help a crippled woman cross the road. The principal dismissed it saying ,"Don't give lame excuses."
12) This guy had the misfortune of a sumo-wrestler falling on him. It proved "fat"al for him.
13) This guy & his g.f both were make-up artistes working in the film industry. They often had lovers' tiffs. However,they would always kiss & make up after a tiff.
14) This kinky guy was fond of shagging while rowing his boat in the lake. He said he got the best oargasms by doing this.
15) This bee was criticised by his community for being too lazy. The bee committed suicide after hearing the criticims as he felt beelittled.
16) This bee had lots of aspirations. Very ambeetious,wasn't it?
17) Heard about this Shakespeare-loving bee who was often pondering over the meaning of life?Well he'd often go ,"To bee or not to bee ,that is the question."
18) This curvy babe had an apiary of her own. The honeybees were very friendly with her. She always went to the beach without wearing anything. Why?
Answer : 'cos the honeybees would cover her body strategically to make a beekini.
19) Heard about this rich laundryman who got divorced recently? Well,his wife took him to the cleaners.
20) Heard about this guy who fell into a huge vat of grease? He thrashed & writhed for a long time before dying in a horrible way. Poor guy had a greasely death.
21) Heard about this laundryman who passed off money got from drug-dealing as legitimate? He had a real thing for money-laundering.
22) Dow Jones is coming out with a new method of measuring the stock market's performance, based on the share values of 30 top toilet-making companies. The new indicator is going to be called Dow Johns.
23) Donald Duck has bought NASDAQ. It's going to be renamed as NASDUCK.
24) This dwarf went to an astrologer & asked what his future was. The astrologer replied,"You will be a stunt-man & will achieve great heights in this."
25) I beat Mike Tyson at boxing. Yep,there's no one who can fold cardboard better than me.
26) This young man was being criticised by his family members for not wanting to join the box-making family business. The chap replied ,"Oh,c'mon ,let me go in for a new venture. Dare to think out of the box."
27) This guy was totally smitten by this top female golfer. You could say he was "putt"y in her hands.
28) This guy's wife complained to him that there was some problem in the plumbing system & the water flow was erratic. Instead of calling a plumber ,the guy bought an iron. His baffled wife asked him,"What the fuck?" He replied,"Haven't you heard of ironing out the flows?"
29) This never-say-die guy repeatedly tried his hand at winning a triathlon. He never won. However ,in recognition of his spirit ,he was awarded the "Tryathlon" trophy.
30) Scientists have discovered a new planet with many pits filled with venomous snakes like Kraits,cobras etc. Guess the planet has plenty of Kraiters ,huh?
31) This not-too-intelligent couple were purists when it came to ball-dancing. Yeah,whenever they had to do a ball-dance ,they would wear very loose clothes & no underwear.
32) Heard about this miser who loved to pinch women's bottoms with coins instead of his fingers? I guess you could call him a penny pincher.
33) This boy had a very weak memory. A day after he was taught about circles & chords in geometry class,his sieve-like brain undid all that he learnt. The teacher took the pain of going through the topic again & the boy began to slowly remember the previous day's stuff. Suddenly he exclaimed ,"Hey ,now it strikes a chord!"
34) Charles Schulz was once very pissed off with the poor pay & threatened to stop making cartoon strips. He said he couldn't continue if he was paid Peanuts.
35) Heard about this babe who was pissed off with her body-building obsessed boyfriend. Last heard,they were trying to work out the problems in their relationship.
36) This hotshot film director was fishing,when some important reels of his latest film fell into the water. He used the fishing rod to reel in the reels.
37) Where in England do all stupid people stay? Answer : Dorkester.
38) This thief who would alwayswear tattered clothes was fleet-footed. Whenever the cops chased him,he ran them ragged.
. 2) This babe got fed up with her boyfriend's obsession with prunes. She decided to prune him from her life.
3) The government had made a proposal to construct a mega-dam to solve the water problem. However,pro-environment lobbies protested this saying that the environment would be screwed. On the other hand,without a dam,no water for people. Dammed if they do,dammed if they don't ,eh?
4) This weather-man had no idea weather his g.f would accept his marriage proposal.
5) This film about fried foods was panned by critics.
6) Heard about this basketball player who is suffering from urine incontinence? Guess this means that he's dribbling both on the court & off the court.
7) This carpenter dabbled in painting cars. He found it so profitable that he decided to become a full-time carpainter.
8) This garbage-collector asked this babe to marry him. She refused.
9) This babe started out as an occassional call-girl to make easy money. Soon she found the money to hard to resist & became a full-time prostitute. Hard to get out once you are sucked into the whoretex,huh?
10) This clown was dismissed from the circus. He cried that injestice had been done to him.
11) Loki,the trickster god became the cynosure of all eyes. Thor,the god of thunder,who was popular until then, was pissed off by this.Why?
Answer : 'cos Loki stole his thunder.
2) This flock of sheep were about to be sheared for their wool. One of the sheep said ,“We feel so woolnerable. It's shear injustice.”
3) The CEO of Gillete narrowly escaped death in an accident. A case of a close shave,eh?
4) This cook who's an expert in fried dishes has changed jobs & joined the fire-fighting forces. A case of “out of the frying pan ,into the fire”,eh?
5) This cook took part in a competition for the best fried food. When asked how he felt about his chances,he replied ,“Well,things should pan out for the better.”
6) I have made a documentary about orgasms. It's coming soon on TV.
7) I was handed the prestigious responsibility of making a blue film. But the movie turned out to be very shoddy. Guess I blue it.
8) This babe was fed up of her boyfriend,a southpaw. He was obsessed with getting all left-handed things,like left-handed knobs,left-handed screw-drivers,left-handed taps,so on. When his obsession crossed all barriers of tolerance,she left him.
9) This farmer had a bumper crop of maize. He termed the output amaizeing.
10) This guy who works for Intel also works as a bus-conductor on weekends. You could say he's a semi-conductor.
11) There are 2 types of men in the world. Those who can give a cunnilingus & those who cun't.
12) This knight had very bad dreams every now & then. Guess he was disturbed by his knightmares.
13) There are too many noisy bats in my area. They're driving me batty.
14) Heard about this light-hearted 'omo? You could say he was gay all the time.
15) This jockey had a very bad outing in the race. You could say it was a neightmare for him.
16) Heard about this artist who painted only in black & white? Well ,his g.f has dumped him recently. No wonder that he's been feeling off-colour of late.
17) Heard about this bomb-defusing expert who charged exorbitantly for his services? You could say he charged a bomb.
18) This fence-maker was famed for criticising & taunting all the time. Know why his g.f dumped him?
Answer: 'cos she couldn't take anymore of his barbs.
Well, this joke isn't a pun,but here we go anyway :
What's the difference between a curvaceous ,hour-glass shaped woman & a fat ,dumpy lady?
Answer: The former takes birth-control pills while the latter takes girth-control pills.
2) This hitman made a lot of money by charging exorbitantly for his services. You could say he made a killing on every mission.
3) This young writer is thinking of writing a series of books using leet speak like “b4” , “gr8”, so on. You could say he is evolving a new genre of leeterature.
4) This guy is fond of giving a tongue-lashing to everyone & everything all the time. However he is rankled by the fact that his girlfriend never allows him to give her a cunnilingus. Guess why?
Answer : 'cos she is afraid of getting the rough side of his tongue.
5) Heard about this gay cricketer? Well,he tampered the pitch on the eve of an important match. You could say he queered the opposing team's pitch.
2) What's the difference between a straight man & a gay man?
Answer : A straight man plays Call Of Duty while a gay man plays Doll Of Cutie.
3) This blood bank was struggling with financial losses. At the end of the financial year, the CEO of the blood bank remarked ,"I'm afraid we're in the red."
4)We know that call-centres place immense strain on the employees what with money being docked for wrong pronounciations,bad grammar,toilet breaks & what not. Perhaps they should be called cull-centres.
5) This banana walks into an ice-cream parlour & asks the vendor to tell him a few jokes. On hearing the jokes,the banana ends up being in splits.
6) Michelle Wie finally managed to have a par on all the 18 holes. Her caddie remarked ,"Good parformance ,Miss."
7) This guy was hired by a restaurant to peel potatoes,onions etc. He bungled up the job very badly. They threatened to fire him. He appeeled them to give him more time to pick up.
8) This conservative man had an issue with his daughter wearing very tiny skirts. Whenever he raised this topic, his daughter would use all her skills to skirt the issue.
9) This guy wanted to learn how to drift a car. After many lessons,he managed to get the drift of drifting.
10) This couple ,both computer engineers,can't get going in bed. Guess why?
Answer: 'cos the man's hardware & the woman's software are incompatible.
11) This guy ,a stock-broker ,would often work late into the nights. Whenever his wife called him up to enquire about his whereabouts,"I'm working" would be his stock reply.
12) This jazz-player lost a jazz competition. He cried foul & said that injazztice had been done to him.
13) So what if you're childless? Don't make an issue of it.
14) This transvestite parade was incredibly long drawn out & boring. You could say it was a drag.
15) When Achilles was a child,he was a bundle of mischief. His worried parents asked the school principal to do something about it. The principal replied ,Don't worry,I'll bring him to heel.
16) This company is into making sanitaryware i.e toilets/crappers, is going great guns. You could say they're flush with funds.
17) This guy got the job of a hangman. However ,since he was a newbie ,the outgoing hangman taught him the ropes of hanging. After a few rigorous sessions,the newbie got the hang of it.
18) This girl,saved in the nick of time from being raped,was traumatised. She asked her pal whether she knew of any website that offered online counselling/therapy. The pal replied ,"www.therapist.com".
19) Orgasms are near-death experiences. Don't people scream ,“Oh my god,I'm coming” when having the big O?
20) The fares of buses,trains,taxis were increased. People took to the streets saying the hike in fares was unfare.
21) This doctor is in the business of spaying humans. His operation theatre has a digital display above the door. When a spaying operation is going on ,the display shows The doctor is spaying the patient. When the operation concludes, the display shows The patient is paying the doctor.
22) During WW2, the leader of the British forces was telling his soldiers ,“Use your brain to defeat the enemy. Your brain is a powerful weapon.” A soldier asked the leader, “But Sir,what do I do when I'm encircled by a dozen enemy soldiers?” The leader replied "Use your Bren."
23) This married man started a fling with another woman. Turned out that the mistress was a nymphomaniac. After some days of this affair the man called off the fling. When asked why,he replied he couldn't keep up with her in the bed.
Unsound - Mute.
Brabus - A German company that specializes in the fine-tuning, adjusting, modifying & enhancing of bras.
Paradox - A bull that contradicts itself.
Oxymoron - A stupid bull.
Igloo - A toilet made out of ice blocks.
Mango - A male moves.
Quota - The stipulated amout of quotes that you are allowed to use.
Victorinox - A multi-purpose ox.
Supervision - Fantastic eyesight.
Equip - To make a witty remark online.
Dingo - A dog that quietens down everyone.
Caucasian - A fair-skinned Asian.
Errand - Badly printed South African currency.
Lasso - To catch a beautiful young woman with a rope.
Erotic - The habitual spasmodic contraction of the face when aroused sexually.
License - The permission to convey false information.
Tangent - A brown male.
Nonplussed - Severely lacking in the ability to add numbers.
Deadicated - Devoted to the memory of the dead.
Wee-Weesa - The permission to go to the toilet to take a leak.
Homogenius - A gay person with an IQ above 140. (Think Leonardo da Vinci)
Canvassanova - To solicit votes for a womaniser OR To carefully scrutinize the life of a womaniser.
Cereberalus - A three-headed dog that protects our intelligence.
2) Heard about this guy who made money by communicating with the spirits of the departed ones? He was the soul earning member of his family.
3) This transvestite was pretty pissed off. You could say he was “cross”.
4) This architect was obsessed with doing things the easiest & the cheapest way. So much so that he made all his rooms circular in shape. Know why?
Answer : 'cos he believed in cutting corners.
5) This gay man was fearful of revealing his sexuality to the world. One day ,he got trapped inside a closet. They had a tough time making him come out of the closet.
6) This tailor lost his shop in a fire. Last heard,he was picking up the threads of life.
7) Count Dracula visited Spain recently. He learnt to do the fangdango.
8) This really tall cop with really long arms managed to nab a wanted guy. On catching the fugitive, the cop remarked, “The long arm of the law got you.”
9) This woman remembered that it was one year since she & her poet boyfriend met each other. She smsed him “Happy Anni-verse-ary”.
10) This man goes to a venture capitalist with the proposal to set up a factory manufacturing perfumes meant only for the rich. The VC rejected him saying that his business plan made no scents.
11) This billionaire could never be clean despite all his efforts. Know why?
Answer : 'cos he was filthy rich.
12) This hunchback had a very good intuition. He rarely went wrong with his predictions. You could say he had a thing for having a good hunch.
13) Why are earthquake-prone areas the places to have sex?
Answer : 'cos you always get earth-shaking orgasms there.
2) I am really angry with this smart-ass skeleton for mocking at me. I have a bone to pick with it.
3) This couple were making out in a well-lit room,when the electricity supply went kaput. They ended up groping in the dark.
4) Count Dracula visited China recently. He has learnt Fang Shui.
5) This guy would never actually kiss his g.f ,but would just blow kisses. One day,the g.f gave him an ultimatum to kiss her for real. The nervous guy ended up botching the kiss. The g.f said “You blew the kiss.”
6) I am really fed up with this particular advertisement as it has been aired “ad” nauseam on TV.
7) This drunk guy was driving his car rashly & ran over a pedestrian. In trying to escape from the scene of accident,he rammed his car into a tree & was killed on the spot. Instant “carma” ,eh?
8) This fat guy didn't buy the new weight-reduction pill in the market. He decided to adopt a weight-and-watch approach before deciding to buy the pill.
Oddour - A weird smell.
Levyathan - An enormous tax.
Hipochondriac - Someone who's needlessly paranoid about the adipose on the hips.
Loodicrous - A hysterically funny toilet.
Picturisque - An obscene photo/painting.
Sobotage - To “outcry” someone to gain the maximum sympathy.
2) There was this particular area in a city that no writer dared step into. Why?
Answer : The area was called “Writer's Block”.
3) Heard about this god-fearing lion in the wilds of Africa?
He says his preyers before sitting down to polish off his meal.
4) This guy was hired by a zoo to look after the Komodo Dragons. However ,he was fired after a few days as they found that he was unable to “monitor” the big lizards properly.
5) This babe refused to date bakers & masseurs. Why?
Answer : 'cos she found 'em coming across as too kneady.
6) How do you discipline a naughty prince?
Answer : By beating him with a ruler.
7) This babe won the “Biggest Boobs” competition. She was asked whether she felt tense when the winners' names were being announced. She replied ,“Yeah,the last few moments were nerve-racking.”
8) Some Islamic fanatics wanted all Muslim women to be covered in a burqa. . However,instead of the usual hotheaded diktats,they issued a veiled threat to Muslim women.
9) Heard about this crazy bridge player? He never deals with a full deck.
10) Heard about this crazy basketball player? Well,he's a basket-case.
11) This guy was going through a jungle,all the time moaning how bored he was. All of a sudden, a few wild boars attacked & killed him. Boared to death ,eh?
12) This glutton lost his buttocks in an accident. Since then he's been called “The Bottomless Pit”.
13) How did this babe react when her baker boyfriend gifter her a diamond ring?
Answer : She was floured.
14) This little kid wanted a duck as a pet. Whenever he demanded the same from his parents, they would distract him with shiny toys & inane talk to duck the issue.
Holywood - A place where films about religion & god are made.
Latrinse - To clean the toilet.
Acornyms - Normal looking acronyms,that when expanded give a different & silly meaning.
Domasticated - Taught to chew in a dignified manner.
Stockyng - A chubby king.
Enjeaneering - The science of making jeans.
Rabbid - A violent & fanatical Jewish spiritual leader/scholar.
Proselight - Humourous literature.
Allygator - A crocodile that's your friend.
Autograph - Sales chart of an automobile company.
Exterminate - To slaughter your ex.
Proselyte - To convert someone who dislikes reading , to a lover of literature.
Pimples - A peculiar type of acne suffered by pimps.
Alphabet - The most important bet.
Harpoon - A harp that's used as a weapon,by playing it very badly.
Impale - A white coloured small demon.
Division - To gouge out someone's eyes.
2) Gillette has had a poor showing in the past few months. The shareholders have booted out the CEO. I bet the newspaper headlines on the following day would read “CEO Gillettined”.
3) This old-fashioned man took this young babe out for a date. Unfortunately for him,the babe showed no interest in him as she found him too dated.
4) This girl is pretty pissed off with her boyfriend from Holland.Guess why?
Answer : 'cos he always insists on going Dutch.
Pugilist - A pug dog that is fond of boxing.
Retail - To grow back a lopped off tail.(Think lizard)
Mafia - A gang run by mum.
Homicide - Destruction of a home.
Lollipop - A confection consisting of a piece of hard candy attached to the end of a small stick & which makes a funny popping sound to make you laugh loudly.
Cater - To serve food to a cat.
Crumpled - A totally misshapen butt.
Wart - An ugly painting.
Stringent - A strict man.
Manesa club - A club of hirsute people.
Dopemobile - A vehicle meant for carrying drugs in a secretive manner.
Dozage - The quantity of sleeping pills to be taken.
Stripend - The salary paid to a striptease dancer.
Cheatah - A sleek animal that is famed for its ability to pull off fast ones.
Philantrophy - The prize given to the most charitable person.
Farmacy - A store that sells fertilizers & pesticides.
Pollygamy - Having many parrots.
2)This ornithologist drove his g.f up the wall by constantly crowing about his achievements. Finally ,one day, his g.f made him eat crow by dumping him.
3)This rich poet's wife dumped him. Some months down the line, he lost all his wealth. A case of going bad to verse ,eh?
4)I wish I was cardiologist. Know why? 'cos then I'd have known the way to a woman's heart.
5)A babe in hot pants makes us boys pant.
6)How do you cut a too clever guy down to size?
Answer : You take a jibe at him to make him smart.
7)Son : Dad, I want a dog.
Dad : Are you Sirius?
8)This videogame addicted teenager demanded a XBOX 360 from his parents. They refused. The gamer cried his heart out. His parents had a tough time trying to “console” him.
9)This not-too-bright guy wanted to learn the teachings of the Chinese philosopher ,Confucius. He ended up becoming a “Confusian”.
10) I'm planning to buy a good quality broom. Y'see ,I want to sweep a beautiful girl off her feet.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Pandamonium - Wild ,noisy disorder made by hell-raising pandas.
Afraudisiac - Fake sexual stimulants.
Afraudite - A beautiful goddess of deception.
Computter - A software to help golfers analyse , dissect & improve their putting skills.
Ainteger - Not an integer i.e a fraction.
Missterious - A secretive young woman.
IMHO - In My Haughty Opinion.
AIDS - Abnormal Intelligence-Defeciency Syndrome.
CSW - Commercial Software Worker.
AWOL - Anguished WithOut Love.
LOL - Looking On Lamely.
QED - Quite Easily Destroyed.
ESP - Extra Sexual Perception.
USP - Unique Shitting Position.
LSD - Likeable Stimulating Drug.
S&M - Stupidity & Madness.
2)What did the babe do when she caught her photographer boyfriend cheating on her?
Answer : She called off the relationship in a flash.
3)This hot-tempered tennis player was the enfant-terrible on the tour. When the umpire's decisions went against him,he'd create a racket.
4)This heavy squash player could never manage to get a steady g.f. Know why?
Answer : 'cos he'd end up squashing the girl on the bed.
5)This rowing champion & his g.f called time on the relationship after having a blazing row.
Loathario - A reluctant womanizer.
Criche - A nursery for children of rich people.
Farternity - A group of people who love to break wind.
Fartricide - To eliminate the problem of breaking wind OR To kill others by breaking wind.
Namesis - An embarassing name that gives you grief.
Mallice - An intense hatred of shopping malls.
Drowsee - To see things while being half-asleep OR The person being bored to death.
Killee,Murderee - The person who's been bumped off.
Olfactory - The factory inside your nose that produces snot like there's no tomorrow.
Cowardice - To chop a timid person into pieces.
Nemesis - A sister who has cut you down to size.
Octopus - Oozing pus from 8 places.
Majesty - The king of jokers.
Sacred - A red bag.
Maim - To spoil a shooter's aim.
Claustrophobia - To be fearful of Santa.
My name is Jay,
I ain't gay,
I am just a dude,
Who's nude & crude,
Now don't be a prude!
If you are a prick,
Do write a limerick,
If you are a twat,
I'll give you a swat,
And you'll lay flat!
There was a runt,
Who was very blunt,
He would often grunt,
People bore his anger's brunt,
He wrecked his car in a shunt.
There was a duke,
Who had a nuke,
He wanted to conquer,
He drank lots of beer,
His ambitions ended with a puke
A guy very naughty,
Wanting to get dirty,
Ran towards a babe to grope,
In his hurry tripped o'er a rope,
Ended up being knotty.
If you're a foul mouthed swine,
Just wash your mouth with lotsa wine,
Remove each n every wart
,Get rid of that fart,
And you will be fine
Zebra - A striped bra.
Fury - The anger felt by animal lovers like me when we see someone wearing fur dresses.
Racist - A racing enthusiast.
Antagonised - To be pissed off by a red ant's nasty bite.
Milkshake - What happens when a babe wearing very loose clothes goes for a jog.
Newcomer - Someone who has experienced an orgasm for the first time.
Smothered - To be strangulated by mum.
Bashful - To be a obsessive party thrower OR To frequently beat up others.
Detergent - To repel unwanted attention from lecherous twats. (I hope no babe ever detergents me)
Labyrinth - A laboratory for creating all sorts of maddening puzzles & mazes.
Fizzycs - The branch of science that deals with carbonated drinks.
Bamboozeled - To be totally confused after having downed too many drinks.
Pursepective - The view of things dictated by the amount of money you have.
Reindear - To control a loved one from flying off the handle.
Andruid - A humanoid sorcerer to help the new age Asterix.
Mooslim - A trim cow.
Anihillate - To blow a hill to smithereens.
Asspiration - The desire to have a perfect ,toned butt free of cellulite.
Golpher - A gopher found on the golf course.
Estrangulate - To asphyxiate an ex.
Etiquitte - The protocol followed for making a dignified exit.
Buttox - Something that is injected to make bums look good.
Answer : 'cos she found him to be below par in all respects.
2)Why are 'omos always in a confused,muddled ,chaotic state of mind?
Answer: 'cos they can't think straight!
3)Which is the best place to learn expletives?
Answer : A poultry. Fowl language,geddit?
4)What do you call a bad looking oriental guy?
Answer : Ug Lee
5)Heard about this huge pig that was the star attraction of the circus? Well,talk about hogging the limelight.
6)Why was the chemical engineer dumped by his g.f?
Answer : 'cos she was fed up with his acidic remarks.
7)This 'omo went for his physical check-up. After the tests were done ,the 'omo asked what the results showed. The reply was that he was in the pink of health.
8)This not too bright boxer had difficulty in understanding jokes. Well,it wasn't a surprise given that he always failed to recognise the punchline.
9)Heard about this guy who got bitten by a snake? He's hisstory.
10)Heard about this timid psychiatrist? He'd always shrink in fear.
11) Then : Nero fiddled while Rome burnt.
Now : Nero burns CDs & DVDs while you fiddle around.
12)What do you call a sexy black babe? Answer: Afro-disiac!
What the hell?Who's there?
Tell me your name or I'll blow your brains out.
14) Heard about this exceedingly boring guy who was also a poor driver. One day ,he crashed his car. Talk about being a crashing bore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Not a pun, but what the heck!
This happened way back in 92/93,when I was in school. An English class was going on. The teacher came upon the word "piglet" in the lesson she was teaching us. She took the pain of telling us that "piglet" is the baby of a pig. To ram home the point ,she gave another example "eagle --> eaglet". A wise guy from the backbenches shouted "toy --> toilet".
Spyderman - A superhero who keeps ahead of the earth's enemies by constantly snooping on them.
Cattywoman - A superheroine who drives evil guys to suicide by bitching(!!!) about them like there's no tomorrow.
Baitman & Robbin - A superhero duo working in tandem. Baitman lures the rich men to a lonely spot & then Robbin takes over & robs the rich guys. Then they give the money to the poor.
Genderr - A sex that can't be determined. i.e Hermaphrodite.
Hipnotised - To be mesmerised by a belly dancer.
Giggleolo - A gigolo who laughs at the drop of a hat.
Incomenia - Unable to get any money.
Foeticide - The act of bumping off your enemy.
Catholic - Obsessed with cats.
Caricature - A funny drawing of a car.
Scarlet - To ignore a scar by refusing to undergo a cosmetic surgery.
Avarice - Extreme greed for rice.
Battle - To duke it out with bats.
Brawl - To cry after getting beaten in a fight.
Assassinate - To slaughter a donkey. (I' m a vegetarian & an animal lover,so this hurts me a bit)
Wonder Woman - A superheroine who happens to be the best advertising vehicle for Wonderbra.
Labradour - An unusually unfriendly Labrador.
Shampain - To feign pain.
Haterosexual - One who thinks sex is evil.
Harry Potty - A boy who's famous for controlling his bowel movements as long as he wants to.
Steamulating - Sexy + Invigorating.
Knaive - A man who's sometimes crafty & sometimes guileless.
Tittoo - A tattoo on the breast.
Catastrophy - A prize awarded for the worst disaster.
Restling - A competition to find out the laziest guy.
Inhumane - Kind
Liposuction - A kiss that also sucks the air out of the “kissee's” mouth.
Bizarre - A very weird business.
Hammer - An actor who plays to the gallery.
Perfume - An odour that makes you blow your top.
Kodiak - A camera toting bear.
Catastrophe - A disaster that is caused by a cat.
2)Heard about the sailor who couldn't score with the babes? Well, it was obvious since he was all at sea when it came to dealing with the fairer sex!
3)Heard about this guy who's very fat ? The thought of dying of obesity has been weighing heavily on his mind!
4)This weather-man got dumped by his g.f . No wonder he's been feeling a bit under the weather!
5)Heard about the train motorman who lost his mental balance? Everybody called him plumb 'loco'.
6)Heard about the cop who resigned from the force? He couldn't cop the flak for his poor work.
7)This guy likes to eat sweets hell of a lot, y'know. He loves sweets so much he ignored his lady. No wonder she desserted him!
8)What does one experience after relieving oneself ?
Answer:- "Piss" of mind!
9) I always get fined everytime I walk. Why?
Answer : Jay walking!
10)This dog's having a shitting problem ,y'know?
It's so bad he's got to visit the dog-turd.
Dog-turd --> Doctor ...geddit?
11)Well ,there's a dude called Joe King. Happens that whenever he tells his name to others, they think he's joking.
12)This duck was pissed off with the veterinarian. Well, it turned out that the vet was a quack.
13)Why do nudists have such good health?
Answer - 'cos they eat their food in the raw!
14)Why did the oil tycoon find it difficult to hit a home run with the babes?
Answer - 'cos they found him too 'crude'.
15)Rowan Atkinson(Mr Bean) acted in the movie 'Johnny English'. Critics found his acting awful 'n' panned his performance. Maybe they should have called him a 'has-bean' .
16)When do buggers like me torture people with puns?
Answer: - When I am in a 'pun'ishing mood.
17)Me 'n' Pamela Anderson have become very close pals. In fact she's now my 'bosom' buddy.
18)Why did the dermatologist's girlfriend dump him?
Answer - 'cos he kept getting under her skin.
19)Why did the horse jockey's g.f dump him?
Answer - 'cos he cudn't stop horsing around.
20)This garbage collector's g.f walked out on him. Or rather ,she dumped him.
21)Heard about the failed archaelogist? His career lies in ruins.
22)Heard about the boxer who won the championships? well,he's pleased as punch .
23)If you place bets on a pun competition, you will be a 'pun'ter.
24)This gardener settled abroad but didn't forget his culture & homeland. Y'see ,he liked to remember his roots.
Dentist - someone who specialises in denting things like cars, faces etc.
Wanking - a white king.
Extraordinary - more ordinary than usual.
Lackey - not having a key
Rattle - a vibrating rat
Titanic - gigantic breasts
Bearable - a hale & hearty bear
Unbearable - a crippled ,bed-ridden bear
Patent - a tent made for dad
Berate - to give something a "B" grade
Missile - a shoddy projectile weapon that always misses its intended target
Combustible - inflammable breasts
Mollify - To force a sexy babe to become a companion of a gangster.
Dinosaur - Gigantic pre-historic beast that made quite a racket
Frankenstein - An outspoken,blunt giant man
Hogwash - To occupy the bathroom for long time & not allow others to use it
Elephant - Gigantic ant
Adventure - a foray into making commercials
Mammoth - a gigantic pre-historic moth
Bison - A son who's a bisexual.
Increase - To crumple & wrinkle clothes to a greater extent.
Decrease - To iron clothes
Cadaver - Dead body of a cheap,vulgar,despicable guy.
Bravado - The courage required to wear a racy bra.
Braggart - The art of bragging.
Guerilla - A gorilla that attacks sneakily.
Gayme - Any game played by gays.
Gayser - A geyser meant specifically for 'omos
Mojoke - A joke about sex
Dildodo - an outdated,obsolete sex object
Crapper - a rapper who raps while waste matter comes out of his rear end.
Musturbation - compulsive masturbation
Femine - accute shortage of females
Grapist - a rapist who also has a vineyard
Bellycose - angry mood caused by hunger
Gayriatric - a gay who's got one leg in the grave & the other on a banana skin
Pastard - badly made pasta that no one owns up to
Rappist - a rapper who's also a rapist (think Snoop Dog)
Moankey - a monkey prone to griping
Moanday - the day on which most humans gripe
Viaggravate - To foolishly aggravate a priapism problem by taking Viagra.
Basturd - turd that no one knows which dog made it
Twise - twice as smart
Tvice - twice as evil
Juggernought - a supposed juggernaut that never turned out to be i.e an easily stoppable force
Cannybal - a shrewd cannibal
Sturd - stud's dung
Libidodo - A condition of having lost all interest in sex.
Lipido - The interest in eating fattening junk food.
Gymnauseam - Having disgust of exercise
Prosetitute - A whore with a bit of Shakespeare inside her.
Virjeans - Unused jeans
Swinedled - to be fooled by a pig
Adispose - To shed flab by vigourous exercise.
Byesexual - One who has turned to celibacy.
Mojotov Cocktail - A lethal sex bomb OR A hard drink laced with Viagra.
Blosom - Ongoing development of breasts.
Dicktionary - A book containing all the crude words for "penis".
Peekaboob - The ample assets of a scantily clad babe playing hide & seek with the eyes of us wolves.
Condomn - To severely criticise the use of love gloves.
Snorekelling - Going for a dive to watch fish & ending up sleeping on the water-bed.
Leaderr - A totally inept, mistake prone guy at the helm of affairs.
Smokiss - The foul smelling,yucky lip massage given by a chain smoker
Teatotaller - One who doesn't drink tea.
Wiilliams F1 - A stupid videogame company trying its luck in F1.
Weelliams F1 - A bit player in the F1 business.
Ridickulous - A weirdly shaped penis.
Formullah One - A racing series for Islamic clerics.
Gorylla - A violent giant ape.
Gorzilla - Love child of King Kong & Godzilla.
Pickasso - An artist who is fond of digging the crack of his butt.
Saliwet - To wet something by drooling.
Some self-sexplanatory words :