Wednesday, July 25, 2007
PTA - Pelvic Thrusters' Association.
PDA - Public Display of Anger.
VIP - Very Idiotic Person.
PETA - People for Extreme Torture of Animals. (I am actually an animal lover & a vegetarian, it really hurts)
WYSIWYG - What You See Isn't What You Get.
2) I've this bad habit of waking up very late in the morning. I really want to start getting up at sunrise. I think it's going to be a dawnting task.
3) This unlucky bastard from Sweden was attacked by cannibals while going through a jungle in the Amazon. The cannibals killed & ate him. The cannibals were surprised to find that he tasted Swede.
4) Heard about this weaver who likes to tell stories? Yeah, he really likes to spin a yarn.
5) This guy took up to being a cotton grower. However ,as he had no experience , his initial attempts gave a poor yield . But after a few months of trial & error ,he finally cotton.
6) Heard about this hunky illustrator? Well, he draws women to him like a flame attracts moths.
7) This horse-breeder has a large stud farm. One day, there's a fire in the horse barn & all the horses perish. The breeder goes off the rails. After many months of psychiatric treatment,he becomes stable.
8) This film star complains to the police that an obsessive fan's been stalking her for many days. The police find that the fan keeps on changing his address. So the police fan out to hunt the fan.
9) This dog is a famous film star. However,he's fed up of giving interviews left ,right & centre. One day, an overzealous television reporter wakes him up when he's asleep. The doggy film star loses his temper & gives her sound bites.
10) There's this crying contest held to find out who can cry the best. After the conclusion of the contest,the winner is asked how it feels. The happy winner says,"All's wail that ends wail."
11) This rapper is famous for his expletive laden & violence glorifying lyrics. His songs influence the youth to take to crime. So the police arrest him & produce him in court on charges of inciting disorder. The judge says to the rapper in a harsh tone,"Your vile lyrics & songs have had a negative influence on the youth." The chastened rapper says,"Yes ,your honor,I take the rap for this."
12) This tranquil place,a home to many birds , began to lose its charm when a factory came up. Some months down the line, the place had many factories belching smoke & pollutants from their chimneys. Fed up of the noise & pollution, all the birds flue away.
13) This farmer falls on hard times & is unable to feed his cattle properly. The cows get into a nostalgic mode & say ,"Ah! How we miss those old days of getting to eat good quality hay! Sigh,those were the haydays."
14) This small county is terrorised by this film star who has a habit of drinking & driving very recklessly. One day, she goes over the top in DUI & nearly ends up killing a few pedestrians. The sheriff arrests her & takes her to the court. The judge says to the sozzled film star,"I'll let you out on bailiff you promise to sober up."
15) I visited a sugar factory recently. I saw that the molasses really treacles very slowly.
16) The farmers are being harassed by swarms of locusts who damage all the crops. Hence the government decides to employ pest extermination services to deal with the problem. However ,fanatical animal rights activists go to court against this decision. The court throws out the animal rights activists' petition saying that they had no locust standi.
17) This weird guy ,who had a fickle mind, veered very often.
Zombia - A country full of zombies.
Boorbon - A whisky targeted at boors.
Neighgeria - A country where horses outnumber men.
Necksus - The linking of necks that occurs when a couple indulges in snogging.
Metallorgy - The science of combining many metals.
Screwtinize - To analyse the act of intercourse.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Roly-polly - A chubby parrot.
Fartist - A person who has elevated the act of breaking wind into an art form.
Playtonic - The word that best describes any game that doesn't involve any physical contact.
Iconolast - The least popular idol.
Geigler Counter - A device to measure laughter.
Oddyssey - An odd & very long adventurous journey.
Treecherous - A tree that can't be relied upon to give a consistent yield of fruits.
Hackneed - To have a knee chopped.
Thighland - The sex capital of the world.
Bangcock - The capital of Thighland.
Geecko - A geek who can climb walls.
Illegitimate - To indulge in unlawful sex.
Tinsel - To vend tin.
Taxidermy - The art of preserving a taxi's body in good condition even after the engine & all other parts are rusting in peace.
Scabbard - The itch to become a poet.
Blindfold - To fold something without looking at it.
Continued - A shaven pussy.
Slumber - A sleepy & dull slum.
2) This superstore stocks a vast array of incense sticks from different manufacturers,all of them josstling for your attention.
3) I would like to fight global warming. So I am planning to grove a lot of trees.
4) The morality brigade & the health nuts of this country come together to push for a total ban on booze. The captains of the booze industry ,to fight this ban proposal,then gather together & go to the ruling party's headquarters with a truckload of money. The booze honchos say to the party's top rung of leaders,"Look,we don't want a ban. So please take as much money as you want & Bacchus to the hilt."
5) This poor scholar lives in squalor.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Philosofee - The fee taken by a philosopher to give a lecture.
Arsenull - Having no buttocks.
Polltergeist - A ghost that's used to do mischief during elections.
Thoraxe - The axe of Thor,the god of thunder.
Whiskee - The person or thing that has been whisked away.
Ambivalentine - A sweetheart who's uncertain of giving a commitment.
Button - An arse weighing 1000 kilograms.
Pomfret - An Englishman who worries too much.
Codswallop - A severe blow given by a large sea fish.
Drawer - Someone who does sketches.
Emulate - To imitate an emu.
Kvetch - To etch a complaint.
Answer: 'cos it is likely to squeal on you.
2) Corruption is rampant in the Mediterranean region. You've to Greece palms to get the smallest of things done.
3) This unfriendly guy goes to a career counsellor to ask what job will suit him the best. The counsellor says he's best suited to be a dour-to-dour salesman.
4) These 2 countries are trading charges of espionage. More & more serious charges are being levelled everyday. The situation looks like it's spyralling out of control.
5) This eagle is very skilled at catching prey. Yeah,it's very talonted.
6) Heard about the fastest supercomputer? It's really inCraydible.
7) The employees are against their boss who's too harsh & rude. So the top brass issues a warning to the guy saying , "If you are rough with your juniors,you'll have to tender your resignation."
8) This man was once a die-hard devotee of Bacchus. But he turned to religion & God to give up the bottle. He's now very spiritual.
9) How do you appreciate a welder?
Answer : By saying "Weldone".
10) This guy ,who doesn't pressurise anybody,goes to his pal's place. He finds that the pal & his home are very filthy. He tells the pal to improve the cleanliness. His pal says he likes everything to be dirty. So the guy says to the pal ,"Soot yourself."
11) I simply dislike people hunting game birds. I've got a grouse against the hunters.
12) This cosmetic surgeon,employed by a hospital, is very corrupt & siphons off funds meant for medical purposes. When the hospital finds this out,they charge him with graft.
13) This film star complains to the police that an obsessive fan has been stalking her for many days. So the police fan out to hunt down the stalker.
14) If a plumber is too noisy ,what do you do?
Answer : You tell him to pipe down.
15) This man's crying because his house has got burnt down. His pal tries to console him with the words,"Try to move on. Don't dwell on it."
16) No matter how scenic a place might be,it's never enough for a cynic.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Backteria - The bacteria found on your back.
Boatany - The science of boats.
Missadventure - A lady who's fond of adventures OR To miss the action.
Spaycialist - A surgeon whose expertise lies in spaying.
Agetated - To be disturbed by advancing age.
Puppee - A pup takes a piss.
Feeud - A quarrel over the fee.
Mousselini - An Italian dictator who liked to eat mousse.
Squandary - The quandary over how to squander money.
Leperd - A leopard with leprosy.
Hispanic - A man's fear.
Radioactive - A radio in fine condition.
Number - Comparative of numb.
Monotony - Single & posh.
Kegel exercises - Exercises which involve lifting of heavy beer kegs.
Citizen - An enlightened city.
Titbit - A small piece of the breast.
Average - To declare one's age.
Chimera - An imaginary chime.
Howitzer - A very difficult question.
Snippet - A cut off small piece of your pet.
Dumpy - The person who's been dumped by his/her partner.
Paladin - The commotion created by pals.
2) When the wives & girlfriends of footballers are without an iota of humor in them,why the hell are they called WAGS?
3) This athlete injures his knee very badly in an accident. The physiotherapist says he kneeds a surgery.
4) This Oriental guy returns home after a few years in the west. His people are surprised to see him being so wasteful. They say it's the wastern influence.
5) Director Ang Lee is livid that the shooting is behind schedule. An assistant sees him & asks him ,"Are you annoyed,sir?" Ang Lee replies ,"Yeah,I'm Ang Lee".
For those who didn't get the joke : I read somewhere that Oriental men have a tendency to replace "R" with "L" while speaking.
6) I find washing dishes to be too tiring. I sure could use a slave to help me with this. Yeah,I want a vessel.
For those who didn't get it : vessel --> vassal.
7) The CEO of Ray Ban is a very defiant man. He always glares at others.
8) I found this little kid fooling around with a tyre of a car. I asked him whether he was trying to puncture the tyre. The kid issued a flat denial.
9) The garbage collectors group,all of whom are racing enthusiasts, has come out with a plan of holding dreg races.
10) This pro-vegetarian group is pretty pissed off with non-vegetarians. Some fanatics of this group suggest that they carry out violent attacks on non-vegetarians. However,the leader of the group says,"Violence is the last option. It's better to issue vealed threats."
11) Cold places aren't the best places to have sex. Y'know why?
Answer : 'cos you are likely to become frigid.
12) This lawyer, a specialist in handling divorce cases,is fed up of having handled only divorce cases for the past so many years. He says he wants a change & he is looking forward to handling other types of cases too. Yeah,he wants to divorcefy.
13) There's this competition for companies. It involves going bankrupt in the shortest time. I hear all the participants will go for broke.
14) Dell,the maker of PCs, is truly in deep shit. Its earnings have nosedived, it's struggling to keep down costs & it's also struggling to keep the shareholders happy. I guess it's a matter of time before the company is Delleted from the earth.
15) This dude has the habit of constantly complaining using the words "I don't like it." One fine day ,he decides to replace "I don't like it." with "This is not to my liking." Y'know what case is this ?
Answer: A case of old whine in new bottle.
16) One night,on my way home,I was accosted by a prostitute who offered her services. I was perplexed by this unknown woman & asked her ,"Who're you?"
17) This writer came out with a controversial book that pitted one particular religion against another religion. Sure enough,riots followed the publication of the book. It soon degenerated into a civil war & ultimately,the collapse of the nation. The writer sure wrote destruction,huh?
For those who didn't get it : wrote --> wrought
18) This fitness coach at the gym is a hard taskmaster. If you don't perform exercises for legs,he doesn't allow you to go squat free.
19) Valentino Rossi,the MotoGP racer, is asked about his future. He replies,"The future is Rossi."
20) If you do drugs , you'll end up as the dregs of society.
21) This woman,well known for her recklessness , was driving her car rashly when she met with an accident. She lost her breasts in that accident. Since then,she's been known as rackless.
22) This guy is taken to the cleaners by his wife when they divorce. He's deprived of almost all his wealth. He gets sad & is unable to snap out of depression for many months. His pal,not able to bear his sorry plight ,says to him , "Look,buddy,it's dime to move on."
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Slawter - To ruin a salad.
Rabbid - A rabbit with rabies.
Blizard - A rash of lizards.
Mockasin - Counterfeit leather shoes.
Harriedan - A stressed out harridan.
Dissability - The ability to insult.
Liverworst - A sausage made of the worst liver.
Desultry - Not having an iota of sex appeal.
2) The smell of burning joss sticks incenses me no end.
3) This tyrant takes cruelty to extreme lengths by not sparing anything,not even food. Yeah,he demands whipped cream topping.
4) What does a tailor say when he's pissed off because of a sewing mistake?
Answer : "Darn it".
5) This gambler goes to a casino. He plays the casino games recklessly & ends up owing the casino guys many times his wealth. He said he can't pay. What do the roughnecks of the casino do with the gambler?
Answer : They attack him with choppers ,swords & dice him.
6) This guy from Poland is going through a dense Amazon jungle,when he is attacked by a gang of hungry cannibals. The cannibals kill him. What do they do next?
Answer : They Polish him off.
7) This dog is very famous for retrieving chucked sticks & getting other things like the newspapers,shoes etc. The dog is very handsome too. You could say the dog looks fetching.
8) I'm very tired of work. I'm lounging to have a relaxing vacation .
9) This gambler goes to a casino & plays at the slot machines like there's no tomorrow. Sure enough, he ends up owing the casino many times his wealth. He says he can't pay. What do the roughnecks of the casino do?
Answer : They sloter him.
10) This food company ,which manufactures many different types of food under one brand umbrella ,is thinking of hiving off its honey business into a separate business.
11) A few weeks ago, I met this babe who works in a glue factory. We are bonding well.
12) When it comes to shampoos, Procter & Gamble is Head & Shoulders above everyone else.
13) This country wants to be the world's largest producer of rice. The prime minister exhorts the farmers to rice to the occassion.
14) This rowing coach, who cheats on his girlfriend, has an uncanny talent for spotting people with rowing skills. Guess he has a rowing eye.
15) A joke about cocaine cracks me up.
16) This pedigreed bitch(as in female dog) is upset with her boyfriend, a mongrel who lives on the streets. Why?
Answer : 'cos he strays very often.
17) Nike's sales have hit an Air pocket.
18) The top brass of Exxon Mobil was charged with insider trading. After a thorough enquiry , they were Exxonerated.
19) My pals said that I'm too boring & sedate. I tried to be loud,boisterous,fun-loving for the past few months. I've been unsuccessful so far in changing myself. I am staidily losing hope of giving myself a makeover.
20) This kangaroo is hopping mad.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Versatile - Being able to churn out lots of poems.
Harem - A collection of rabbits.
Cashmere - A small amount of money.
Dragon - To prolong tediously.
Mankind - A man who's very considerate.
Shrewd - An intelligent woman who's prone to scolding others.
Vandalize - To willfully destroy a van.
Crowbar - A watering hole for crows.
Flummox - To confuse an ox.
Alibility - The ability to cook up excuses.
Togle - To alternate between ogling & not ogling.
Armorous - To have a deep love for armor.
Apeiary - A place where monkeys are kept.
Commatose - A state of not using commas in writing.
Tollrant - To rage against an unjust toll.
Conoisseur - An expert who appreciates the field of conning.
Canarda - A country where everyone spreads false stories.
2) The press always mocks this airheaded socialite's bad English. The press prints her utterings & writing ad verbatim, liberally peppering the exact words with "(sic)". The socialite is sic of being ridiculed.
3) I'm being harassed by this sadistic guy for a long time. He lets loose his huge dogs on me to get a kick out of seeing me crap in my pants. I'm sic of this.
4) This lady meets with an accident. A few months after the operation,she finds that she still has numerous scars. So she visits a cosmetic surgeon to remove the scars. After the operation,she asks the surgeon,"Have all the scars gone?" The surgeon replies,"Well,all but a few. The scars are scarce now."
5) This tightly knit family has a few generations living together. They are in the business of making marijuana cigarettes. A joint family, huh?
6) The raging fire in the flea market forced everyone to flee.
7) Heard about this guy who works as a photographer in the day & as a pimp by night? Flash trade in the morning, flesh trade in the night.
8) Guy : Are you a virgin?
Babe : Yes.
Guy : Really?
Babe : That's the hole truth.
9) Pepsico is coming out with a new energy drink for gays. It's gonna be called "Gaytorade".
10) Heard about this ugly female assassin? Well,she's got looks that kill.
11) This guy is fed up of his girlfriend's obsession of squeezing lime in every food item that she prepares. No wonder their relationship is souring.
Friday, July 6, 2007
2) This golfer is also a talented actor ,y'know ? Yeah,he's quite good at putting on an act.
3) This calculus professor has no children. You could say he has no derivatives.
4) This babe caught her glue-maker boyfriend in bed with another woman.Enraged,she shot him dead. Guess cheating sealed his fate.
5) This guy fell into a huge vat of glue. He met with a sticky end.
6) Kimi Raikkonnen ,the Ferrari racer, wins the 2007 World Drivers' Championship. Then everybody asks McLaren,"How could you be so K R less to let go of him?"
7) This punk loses in the International Shagging Contest. He's very upset & unhappy. His pals try to console him with "Cheer up,mate. It's not the end of the world. Try your hand at something else."
8) Cadbury Schweppes made a foray into the carbonated drinks category in India. They failed miserably. You could say that the competition 'Crush'ed Cadbury Schweppes.
9) Heard about this eccentric calculus professor? Well,he's got problems integrating into the society.
10) This guy is pissed off with poorly written books on general knowledge.So he gathers a heap of such books & sets them on fire. The police ask him what the hell he is doing. He replies,"I am culling information."
11) Rene Lacoste was never popular with people & never had any real friends. When he died , a large number of people shed Crocodile tears.
12) I can't figure out why I'm bad at maths.
13) Babes always do well in maths. Yeah,they are quite good with figures.
14) This rat & a donkey have a big showdown & they go to a court. The judge throws out their case with the words,"I don't give a rat's ass about this trivial matter."
15) This award-winning writer feels like having sex with his favourite whore. So he calls up the pimp & says ,"Booker."
16) The Tour de France was down to its last stage. These 2 cyclists were tied for the first place. The 2 were going neck & neck in the last stage & it wasn't clear who'd win.A few miles before the finish line one of the cyclists , a cunning guy, started talking non-stop to his rival. This disturbed the rival & he lost. "Spoke" in the wheel,huh?
17) Fat people are very stupid. Yeah,they're thick.
18) You oat to eat breakfast everyday.
19) Quaker & Kellogs are thinking of getting into the entertainment industry. They want to make cereals.
20) This fat man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor says ,"I'm afraid you've got a slim chance of living a long life."
21) PETA wants to put an end to killing cows for beef. So they are going to start a mooment.
22) The marriage of this couple ,both geologists, has hit a rocky patch.
23) This biased man loses his buttocks in an accident. Now everybody calls him bye-assed.
24) What did the male sheep say to the female sheep?
Answer : I love ewe.
25) What do you do when you're pissed off with a philatelist?
Answer : You stamp him.
26) This software engineer, a cheap & trashy guy, got dumped by his g.f. Why?
Answer : 'cos she found him techie.
27) Which football ground has the refrees handing out the maximum number of red cards?
Answer : Stampford Bridge.
28) Bees are very wealthy ,y'know? Well,it shouldn't be a surprise given that they are stingy.
29) If you walk in a very weird way ,it gaits to people.
30) Exxon Mobil has come out with a stunning new advertisment. It's very slickly made.
31) This punk has no respect for social manners. He often shoots off his mouth & embarrasses others. His mother is at the end of her tether & asks him,"Have you ever thought how your words cause embarrassment to others?" He replies ,"No,it never awkward to me."
32) There is a dramatic decrease in the number of wildcats in the forest. The police arrest this guy who stays on the outskirts of the forest & charge him with hunting wildcats for their fur. However the court lets him off as the police fails to establish the lynx between the guy & the disappearance of the wildcats.
33) The farmers , the fruit growers & the granary owners complain to the government that much of their output is being damaged by beetles. The government says ,"Don't worry. Weevil solve your problems."
34) This gay man, a wannabe socialite, is really fond of being seen among the swish set.
35) This low-budget film "Insomnia" was released with no hype. It picked up publicity by word of mouth & became a sleeper hit.
(By the way,Insomnia is a really good movie. Christopher Nolan is a genius. I've yet to see the movie. The reviews are outstanding.)
36)This cricket-mad gigolo is a very good batsman. He effortlessly sends the bouncers soaring to the boundary. Know why?
Answer : 'cos he's a hooker.
37)A cricket match is going to be played between the Frankenstein XI & the Werewolf XI. Dracula is going to be the vampire.
38)I've the hots for this babe,a veterinarian. She's a vet dream come true.
Rankled - To be infuriated at not getting the top rank.
Lackadaisical - Not having daisies.
Warrant - To rage against a war.
Bullet - To let in a bull.
Penultimate - The last pen.
Pentagram - 5 grams.
Expensive - An ex who is brooding.
Otter - A person who is fond of going Over The Top.
Ad verbatim - An advertisement that is a shameless copy of some other ad.
Fuckadaisical - Too listless to fuck.
Draconion - A very harsh onion that makes you cry excessively.
Sindicate - A group of sinners.
Disemvowel - To remove all vowels when sending a sms or chatting online.
Pleabeian - A request made by a commoner.
Amfibian - Someone who lies about being able to live on both land & water.
Hairlot - A whore who can give Rapunzel a run for her money.
Coorier - A messenger for sending lovey-dovey messages between lovers.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
2) This elusive thief has one weakness. He just can't resist a woman with a nice rack. So the police entice him with a well endowed policewoman acting as a hooker. He falls for the booby trap.
3) This once healthy man took to chain smoking. Over the years,the heavy smoking took its toll & rendered him impotent. A case of going to seed,huh?
4) This babe is known for circulating wild rumours & gossip that brings others to grief. Her nickname is "Buzzooka".
5) The police arrest this conwoman & bring her to the prison. What do they do with her?
Answer : Jailer.
6) This experienced weaver lost the tag of the best weaver in the world to an upcoming weaver. The old geezer then made a wove to regain his numero uno status.
7) I recently took a bath in a bathtub filled with inferior quality liquor. I had a swill time.
8) Rip van Winkle's dying wish was to have a tombstone mentioning only his surname. So his tombstone read "R.I.P van Winkle".
9) Heard about this man who slept for 20 years?When he woke up ,he found he had become very old & haggard. People called him Rip van Wrinkle.
10) Heard about this man who slept for 20 years & then after waking up,went on a slashing spree with his 12 inch knife? They called him "Jack the Ripper van Winkle".
11) It was 7 a.m when I tried to swat these flies. When I finally swatted the last of those damned things, I was shocked to find the time was 12 a.m. When you are engrossed ,time sure flies ,eh?
12) These photographers have come together to form a click.
13) This truck carrying shit swerved out of control & turned turdtle.
14) I was amazed to see this guy cleaning the filthiest & the smelliest toilet without so much as crinkling his nose. I asked him how he could do so. His reply was ,"Son,after 10 years in this job,no toilet faeces me anymore."
15) This man is a master of disguise. He uses turd to change his mug. Man of many faeces ,isn't he?
16) This dullard goes to a party. Sometime into the party ,he does a handstand. Know why?
Answer : 'cos somebody said, "Bottoms up".
17) This guy is drinking soup when his pal drops in. His pal drinks a few spoons of the soup & says the soup tastes funny. The first guy says ,"No,I find it Knorrmal."
18) This jockey loses the derby & feels suicidal. His pals try to cheer him up with "C'mon ,don't be upset over a mare race."
19) This little bee is very unruly. As it happens,his mom has to host a party. So she warns him to be on his best beehaviour.
20) This motorman took to boozing after his g.f ditched him. Boozing made him go off-track & his career was derailed.
21) This guy has an ambition of starting a beer brewery. He's got the brewery draught ready.