Saturday, October 13, 2007
Sobbatical - A break from crying.
Mushine - A computer that generates thousands of lovey-dovey messages for the likes of Hallmark.
Harpes - Repetitive stress injury caused by playing the harp too much.
Soberiquet - A staid & boring nickname OR A nickname given to a guy who's able to stand sober after downing drinks.
Titotaller - A guy who refrains from touching the breasts of a woman when having sex with her.
Roamantic - Very fond of roaming.
Penisillin - An antibiotic to treat infections & diseases of the penis.
Migrainte - The headache caused to the government by the influx of migrants.
Shyne - Dim glow.
Veneereal disease - A sexually transmitted disease that is superficial.
Woodpecker - A phallic sculpture made of wood.
Faggot - A 'omo with a cigarette.
Gonad - An ad painted on a testicle. (Hey, after the forehead, cleavage & midriff, don't you think it's time?)
Germane - Relevant & appropriate hair.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Cocktail - A tail that is shaped like a phallus.
Redress - To get dressed again.
Intimidate - A date who strikes fear in the heart.
Nabob - A wealthy man named Robert.
Barbarian - A savage guy in the bar.
Popemobile - A pope who's not wheelchair-bound.
iDiot - An iPod-toting fool.
Disstaff - Women who are rude.
Hypeochondriac - A screwball who loves to publicize his imaginary ailments to the world.
Funnee - A funny sounding maiden name of a woman.
Misstaken - A babe who's already been snapped by some other dickhead.
Rayduce - To decrease the glare.
Sinonymous - Equated with sin.
Pierate - One who steals pies.
Loyell - Dedicated to yelling.
Innoscent - Innocuous scent.
Bowhemian - Unconventional style of bowing.
Sueicide - To take someone to court even when you know that you have a snow's chance in hell of winning the case.
Coytus - Sexual union of a shy couple.
(If they are shy, how the hell do they find the balls to fuck? You tell me!)
Weapun - A deadly pun.
Gleecerine - A liquid used by actors when the director requires them to shed tears of joy.
Drakeula - A male duck that's got fangs.
Omniwhore - A whore present everywhere at the same time.
Socker - A game that combines football & fisticuffs.
Quillt - A blanket made from quills.
Squintessential - The perfect squint.
Seadate - Very calm sea.
Genietals - A genie's privates.
Harelot - A whore who has a lot of bunnies.
Bootcher - To shatter someone by booing loudly.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
2) This guy has a nasty fall while riding his bike & ends up breaking the bone from the shoulder to the elbow. He makes for a funny sight in his cast. When his pals make fun of him, he says the jokes aren't humerus.
3) This guy lost his beloved moped. So devastated was he by this that he moped for many months.
4) This car company found itself under the scanner when its cars were reported to be unsafe while braking. Refusing to take the blame, the company blamed the supplier of brakes. The brake-making company, in turn said that the car's poor designs were to blame for the brakes failing. After some days of acrimony, the two dragged each other to court. Sad that their partnership had to brake up.
5) Heard about this hotshot baseball pitcher who is a devotee of Bacchus? Well, he's fond of benders.
6) This veteran software programmer who was unwilling to learn newer ways of programming, stuck to procedural programming. When a mega project had to be executed, he found that he couldn't do anything his way. So the company hired a kid who successfully executed the project using OOP (Object Oriented Programming). Impressed with the kid, the company fired the veteran. The kid surely gave the veteran programmer an object lesson, huh?
7) Q: How do you convince a fat friend to reduce the flab?
Answer : You lean on him/her.
8) This butler plays tennis very well, y'know? Well, it shouldn't be a surprise given that he's known for serving well.
9) I am hoping to get picked by a big advertising agency. If my dreams don't come true, I'll be piqued.
10) This guy has a terrible accident, & his family jewels & dick get detached from his body. Scared shitless, he collects them & goes to the hospital. After examining him, the surgeons say that they can successfully re-attach his organs & that his sexual prowess would not be affected. The guys replies, "Wow! I'm thrilled to bits!"
11) This new dentist initially found it very tough to have a clinic up & going.Can be said that the poor fellow faced a lot of teething problems.
12) The cops managed to nab this fugitive who had a heart problem. When they put the handcuffs on him, he died of the shock. Cardiac arrest, eh?
13) This newly launched vibrator has failed to make a mark in the sex toy market. Yeah, people say it's no great shakes.
14) Heard about this rude magician who disses everybody by making obscene gestures? Well, he's known for his slight-of-hand skills.
This section has nothing to do with puns, but what the hell!
1) I'm ambidextrous, y'know? Yep, I can dig my nose with either hand.
2) Always use a condom. Prevention is better than abortion.
3) Circular definitions:
Vest - A man's bra.
Bra - A woman's vest.
Snot - Nasal semen.
Semen - Penile snot.
4) What we eat is passed out as turd the next day. Which means we all eat shit.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Hareness - To control & direct a rabbit.
Invenctive - Inventive in conjuring up new & weird expletives or insults.
Obknocksious - Annoying way of knocking up.
Amalgame - A game that is a combination of two or more games.
Wailrus - A large marine mammal that cries at the drop of a hat.
Homiecide - To carry out the killing of a friend.
Oaffice - An office full of stupid people.
2) How do you make fun of a fashion designer?
Answer : You should say something tongue-in-chic.
3) Loki, the god who was a trickster, got all the other gods pissed off with him. As they were baying for his blood, he decided to remain Loki until the storm blew over.
4) This guy has a fetish for fat women. When he comes of a marriageable age, his parents ask him in a worried tone whether he'll select the right woman. He replies ,"Don't worry, I'll plump for the right woman."
5) The police were called to track down the robbers who had made off with a truck carrying millions of dollars. The police pressed sniffer dogs into service, but after some time ,the dogs lost the cent of the robbers.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Answer : 'cos he doesn't like to have stakes.
2) This baseball pitcher injured his shoulder. The physiotherapist said that the injury is so severe that he won't ever be able to pitch again. No wonder that the pitcher has been in the throws of despair ever since!
3) Even if you have a bad cold & feel like blowing your nose,be mindful of others' sensitivities. It snot the done thing to offend others.
4) This peacenik in the Spanish government has brokered peace between the government & the ETA. No wonder that he wants to Basque in glory.
5) Heard about this fisherman who's obsessed with catching only bass all the time? He's a bassket case indeed!
6) This coloured presidential candidate initially found it difficult to gain acceptance among the whites. But after putting a lot of effort in sending out his message of economic reforms,he wan them over.
7) What do you get when you divide a country into antagonistic states that only serves to make the people cry in despair?
Answer : Bawlkan region.
8) Heard about this dye-making company that's struggling to stay afloat & pay the workers ? Well,it's in dyer straits.
9) Why did this baseball pitcher also make a good salesman?
Answer : 'cos he had a good sales pitch.
10) What happens when a huge & heavy wreath falls on you?
Answer : You wreathe in agony.
11) Heard about this flashy biker who likes to wear flamboyant & loud colored helmets? He likes to be Shoei.
Anorack - A jacket with a hood for the bosom.
Shabbylis - Badly made Chablis.
Neofight - A new brawl.
Whyrus - A disease of asking "why" all the time.
Cockette - A woman who trifles with a man's dick.
Commoditty - A useful song.
Innoweight - Make changes in the body weight in a novel way.
Infinitesimull - To give little or no thought.
Muttiny - A rebellion of dogs.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
PTA - Pelvic Thrusters' Association.
PDA - Public Display of Anger.
VIP - Very Idiotic Person.
PETA - People for Extreme Torture of Animals. (I am actually an animal lover & a vegetarian, it really hurts)
WYSIWYG - What You See Isn't What You Get.
2) I've this bad habit of waking up very late in the morning. I really want to start getting up at sunrise. I think it's going to be a dawnting task.
3) This unlucky bastard from Sweden was attacked by cannibals while going through a jungle in the Amazon. The cannibals killed & ate him. The cannibals were surprised to find that he tasted Swede.
4) Heard about this weaver who likes to tell stories? Yeah, he really likes to spin a yarn.
5) This guy took up to being a cotton grower. However ,as he had no experience , his initial attempts gave a poor yield . But after a few months of trial & error ,he finally cotton.
6) Heard about this hunky illustrator? Well, he draws women to him like a flame attracts moths.
7) This horse-breeder has a large stud farm. One day, there's a fire in the horse barn & all the horses perish. The breeder goes off the rails. After many months of psychiatric treatment,he becomes stable.
8) This film star complains to the police that an obsessive fan's been stalking her for many days. The police find that the fan keeps on changing his address. So the police fan out to hunt the fan.
9) This dog is a famous film star. However,he's fed up of giving interviews left ,right & centre. One day, an overzealous television reporter wakes him up when he's asleep. The doggy film star loses his temper & gives her sound bites.
10) There's this crying contest held to find out who can cry the best. After the conclusion of the contest,the winner is asked how it feels. The happy winner says,"All's wail that ends wail."
11) This rapper is famous for his expletive laden & violence glorifying lyrics. His songs influence the youth to take to crime. So the police arrest him & produce him in court on charges of inciting disorder. The judge says to the rapper in a harsh tone,"Your vile lyrics & songs have had a negative influence on the youth." The chastened rapper says,"Yes ,your honor,I take the rap for this."
12) This tranquil place,a home to many birds , began to lose its charm when a factory came up. Some months down the line, the place had many factories belching smoke & pollutants from their chimneys. Fed up of the noise & pollution, all the birds flue away.
13) This farmer falls on hard times & is unable to feed his cattle properly. The cows get into a nostalgic mode & say ,"Ah! How we miss those old days of getting to eat good quality hay! Sigh,those were the haydays."
14) This small county is terrorised by this film star who has a habit of drinking & driving very recklessly. One day, she goes over the top in DUI & nearly ends up killing a few pedestrians. The sheriff arrests her & takes her to the court. The judge says to the sozzled film star,"I'll let you out on bailiff you promise to sober up."
15) I visited a sugar factory recently. I saw that the molasses really treacles very slowly.
16) The farmers are being harassed by swarms of locusts who damage all the crops. Hence the government decides to employ pest extermination services to deal with the problem. However ,fanatical animal rights activists go to court against this decision. The court throws out the animal rights activists' petition saying that they had no locust standi.
17) This weird guy ,who had a fickle mind, veered very often.
Zombia - A country full of zombies.
Boorbon - A whisky targeted at boors.
Neighgeria - A country where horses outnumber men.
Necksus - The linking of necks that occurs when a couple indulges in snogging.
Metallorgy - The science of combining many metals.
Screwtinize - To analyse the act of intercourse.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Roly-polly - A chubby parrot.
Fartist - A person who has elevated the act of breaking wind into an art form.
Playtonic - The word that best describes any game that doesn't involve any physical contact.
Iconolast - The least popular idol.
Geigler Counter - A device to measure laughter.
Oddyssey - An odd & very long adventurous journey.
Treecherous - A tree that can't be relied upon to give a consistent yield of fruits.
Hackneed - To have a knee chopped.
Thighland - The sex capital of the world.
Bangcock - The capital of Thighland.
Geecko - A geek who can climb walls.
Illegitimate - To indulge in unlawful sex.
Tinsel - To vend tin.
Taxidermy - The art of preserving a taxi's body in good condition even after the engine & all other parts are rusting in peace.
Scabbard - The itch to become a poet.
Blindfold - To fold something without looking at it.
Continued - A shaven pussy.
Slumber - A sleepy & dull slum.
2) This superstore stocks a vast array of incense sticks from different manufacturers,all of them josstling for your attention.
3) I would like to fight global warming. So I am planning to grove a lot of trees.
4) The morality brigade & the health nuts of this country come together to push for a total ban on booze. The captains of the booze industry ,to fight this ban proposal,then gather together & go to the ruling party's headquarters with a truckload of money. The booze honchos say to the party's top rung of leaders,"Look,we don't want a ban. So please take as much money as you want & Bacchus to the hilt."
5) This poor scholar lives in squalor.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Philosofee - The fee taken by a philosopher to give a lecture.
Arsenull - Having no buttocks.
Polltergeist - A ghost that's used to do mischief during elections.
Thoraxe - The axe of Thor,the god of thunder.
Whiskee - The person or thing that has been whisked away.
Ambivalentine - A sweetheart who's uncertain of giving a commitment.
Button - An arse weighing 1000 kilograms.
Pomfret - An Englishman who worries too much.
Codswallop - A severe blow given by a large sea fish.
Drawer - Someone who does sketches.
Emulate - To imitate an emu.
Kvetch - To etch a complaint.
Answer: 'cos it is likely to squeal on you.
2) Corruption is rampant in the Mediterranean region. You've to Greece palms to get the smallest of things done.
3) This unfriendly guy goes to a career counsellor to ask what job will suit him the best. The counsellor says he's best suited to be a dour-to-dour salesman.
4) These 2 countries are trading charges of espionage. More & more serious charges are being levelled everyday. The situation looks like it's spyralling out of control.
5) This eagle is very skilled at catching prey. Yeah,it's very talonted.
6) Heard about the fastest supercomputer? It's really inCraydible.
7) The employees are against their boss who's too harsh & rude. So the top brass issues a warning to the guy saying , "If you are rough with your juniors,you'll have to tender your resignation."
8) This man was once a die-hard devotee of Bacchus. But he turned to religion & God to give up the bottle. He's now very spiritual.
9) How do you appreciate a welder?
Answer : By saying "Weldone".
10) This guy ,who doesn't pressurise anybody,goes to his pal's place. He finds that the pal & his home are very filthy. He tells the pal to improve the cleanliness. His pal says he likes everything to be dirty. So the guy says to the pal ,"Soot yourself."
11) I simply dislike people hunting game birds. I've got a grouse against the hunters.
12) This cosmetic surgeon,employed by a hospital, is very corrupt & siphons off funds meant for medical purposes. When the hospital finds this out,they charge him with graft.
13) This film star complains to the police that an obsessive fan has been stalking her for many days. So the police fan out to hunt down the stalker.
14) If a plumber is too noisy ,what do you do?
Answer : You tell him to pipe down.
15) This man's crying because his house has got burnt down. His pal tries to console him with the words,"Try to move on. Don't dwell on it."
16) No matter how scenic a place might be,it's never enough for a cynic.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Backteria - The bacteria found on your back.
Boatany - The science of boats.
Missadventure - A lady who's fond of adventures OR To miss the action.
Spaycialist - A surgeon whose expertise lies in spaying.
Agetated - To be disturbed by advancing age.
Puppee - A pup takes a piss.
Feeud - A quarrel over the fee.
Mousselini - An Italian dictator who liked to eat mousse.
Squandary - The quandary over how to squander money.
Leperd - A leopard with leprosy.
Hispanic - A man's fear.
Radioactive - A radio in fine condition.
Number - Comparative of numb.
Monotony - Single & posh.
Kegel exercises - Exercises which involve lifting of heavy beer kegs.
Citizen - An enlightened city.
Titbit - A small piece of the breast.
Average - To declare one's age.
Chimera - An imaginary chime.
Howitzer - A very difficult question.
Snippet - A cut off small piece of your pet.
Dumpy - The person who's been dumped by his/her partner.
Paladin - The commotion created by pals.
2) When the wives & girlfriends of footballers are without an iota of humor in them,why the hell are they called WAGS?
3) This athlete injures his knee very badly in an accident. The physiotherapist says he kneeds a surgery.
4) This Oriental guy returns home after a few years in the west. His people are surprised to see him being so wasteful. They say it's the wastern influence.
5) Director Ang Lee is livid that the shooting is behind schedule. An assistant sees him & asks him ,"Are you annoyed,sir?" Ang Lee replies ,"Yeah,I'm Ang Lee".
For those who didn't get the joke : I read somewhere that Oriental men have a tendency to replace "R" with "L" while speaking.
6) I find washing dishes to be too tiring. I sure could use a slave to help me with this. Yeah,I want a vessel.
For those who didn't get it : vessel --> vassal.
7) The CEO of Ray Ban is a very defiant man. He always glares at others.
8) I found this little kid fooling around with a tyre of a car. I asked him whether he was trying to puncture the tyre. The kid issued a flat denial.
9) The garbage collectors group,all of whom are racing enthusiasts, has come out with a plan of holding dreg races.
10) This pro-vegetarian group is pretty pissed off with non-vegetarians. Some fanatics of this group suggest that they carry out violent attacks on non-vegetarians. However,the leader of the group says,"Violence is the last option. It's better to issue vealed threats."
11) Cold places aren't the best places to have sex. Y'know why?
Answer : 'cos you are likely to become frigid.
12) This lawyer, a specialist in handling divorce cases,is fed up of having handled only divorce cases for the past so many years. He says he wants a change & he is looking forward to handling other types of cases too. Yeah,he wants to divorcefy.
13) There's this competition for companies. It involves going bankrupt in the shortest time. I hear all the participants will go for broke.
14) Dell,the maker of PCs, is truly in deep shit. Its earnings have nosedived, it's struggling to keep down costs & it's also struggling to keep the shareholders happy. I guess it's a matter of time before the company is Delleted from the earth.
15) This dude has the habit of constantly complaining using the words "I don't like it." One fine day ,he decides to replace "I don't like it." with "This is not to my liking." Y'know what case is this ?
Answer: A case of old whine in new bottle.
16) One night,on my way home,I was accosted by a prostitute who offered her services. I was perplexed by this unknown woman & asked her ,"Who're you?"
17) This writer came out with a controversial book that pitted one particular religion against another religion. Sure enough,riots followed the publication of the book. It soon degenerated into a civil war & ultimately,the collapse of the nation. The writer sure wrote destruction,huh?
For those who didn't get it : wrote --> wrought
18) This fitness coach at the gym is a hard taskmaster. If you don't perform exercises for legs,he doesn't allow you to go squat free.
19) Valentino Rossi,the MotoGP racer, is asked about his future. He replies,"The future is Rossi."
20) If you do drugs , you'll end up as the dregs of society.
21) This woman,well known for her recklessness , was driving her car rashly when she met with an accident. She lost her breasts in that accident. Since then,she's been known as rackless.
22) This guy is taken to the cleaners by his wife when they divorce. He's deprived of almost all his wealth. He gets sad & is unable to snap out of depression for many months. His pal,not able to bear his sorry plight ,says to him , "Look,buddy,it's dime to move on."
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Slawter - To ruin a salad.
Rabbid - A rabbit with rabies.
Blizard - A rash of lizards.
Mockasin - Counterfeit leather shoes.
Harriedan - A stressed out harridan.
Dissability - The ability to insult.
Liverworst - A sausage made of the worst liver.
Desultry - Not having an iota of sex appeal.
2) The smell of burning joss sticks incenses me no end.
3) This tyrant takes cruelty to extreme lengths by not sparing anything,not even food. Yeah,he demands whipped cream topping.
4) What does a tailor say when he's pissed off because of a sewing mistake?
Answer : "Darn it".
5) This gambler goes to a casino. He plays the casino games recklessly & ends up owing the casino guys many times his wealth. He said he can't pay. What do the roughnecks of the casino do with the gambler?
Answer : They attack him with choppers ,swords & dice him.
6) This guy from Poland is going through a dense Amazon jungle,when he is attacked by a gang of hungry cannibals. The cannibals kill him. What do they do next?
Answer : They Polish him off.
7) This dog is very famous for retrieving chucked sticks & getting other things like the newspapers,shoes etc. The dog is very handsome too. You could say the dog looks fetching.
8) I'm very tired of work. I'm lounging to have a relaxing vacation .
9) This gambler goes to a casino & plays at the slot machines like there's no tomorrow. Sure enough, he ends up owing the casino many times his wealth. He says he can't pay. What do the roughnecks of the casino do?
Answer : They sloter him.
10) This food company ,which manufactures many different types of food under one brand umbrella ,is thinking of hiving off its honey business into a separate business.
11) A few weeks ago, I met this babe who works in a glue factory. We are bonding well.
12) When it comes to shampoos, Procter & Gamble is Head & Shoulders above everyone else.
13) This country wants to be the world's largest producer of rice. The prime minister exhorts the farmers to rice to the occassion.
14) This rowing coach, who cheats on his girlfriend, has an uncanny talent for spotting people with rowing skills. Guess he has a rowing eye.
15) A joke about cocaine cracks me up.
16) This pedigreed bitch(as in female dog) is upset with her boyfriend, a mongrel who lives on the streets. Why?
Answer : 'cos he strays very often.
17) Nike's sales have hit an Air pocket.
18) The top brass of Exxon Mobil was charged with insider trading. After a thorough enquiry , they were Exxonerated.
19) My pals said that I'm too boring & sedate. I tried to be loud,boisterous,fun-loving for the past few months. I've been unsuccessful so far in changing myself. I am staidily losing hope of giving myself a makeover.
20) This kangaroo is hopping mad.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Versatile - Being able to churn out lots of poems.
Harem - A collection of rabbits.
Cashmere - A small amount of money.
Dragon - To prolong tediously.
Mankind - A man who's very considerate.
Shrewd - An intelligent woman who's prone to scolding others.
Vandalize - To willfully destroy a van.
Crowbar - A watering hole for crows.
Flummox - To confuse an ox.
Alibility - The ability to cook up excuses.
Togle - To alternate between ogling & not ogling.
Armorous - To have a deep love for armor.
Apeiary - A place where monkeys are kept.
Commatose - A state of not using commas in writing.
Tollrant - To rage against an unjust toll.
Conoisseur - An expert who appreciates the field of conning.
Canarda - A country where everyone spreads false stories.
2) The press always mocks this airheaded socialite's bad English. The press prints her utterings & writing ad verbatim, liberally peppering the exact words with "(sic)". The socialite is sic of being ridiculed.
3) I'm being harassed by this sadistic guy for a long time. He lets loose his huge dogs on me to get a kick out of seeing me crap in my pants. I'm sic of this.
4) This lady meets with an accident. A few months after the operation,she finds that she still has numerous scars. So she visits a cosmetic surgeon to remove the scars. After the operation,she asks the surgeon,"Have all the scars gone?" The surgeon replies,"Well,all but a few. The scars are scarce now."
5) This tightly knit family has a few generations living together. They are in the business of making marijuana cigarettes. A joint family, huh?
6) The raging fire in the flea market forced everyone to flee.
7) Heard about this guy who works as a photographer in the day & as a pimp by night? Flash trade in the morning, flesh trade in the night.
8) Guy : Are you a virgin?
Babe : Yes.
Guy : Really?
Babe : That's the hole truth.
9) Pepsico is coming out with a new energy drink for gays. It's gonna be called "Gaytorade".
10) Heard about this ugly female assassin? Well,she's got looks that kill.
11) This guy is fed up of his girlfriend's obsession of squeezing lime in every food item that she prepares. No wonder their relationship is souring.
Friday, July 6, 2007
2) This golfer is also a talented actor ,y'know ? Yeah,he's quite good at putting on an act.
3) This calculus professor has no children. You could say he has no derivatives.
4) This babe caught her glue-maker boyfriend in bed with another woman.Enraged,she shot him dead. Guess cheating sealed his fate.
5) This guy fell into a huge vat of glue. He met with a sticky end.
6) Kimi Raikkonnen ,the Ferrari racer, wins the 2007 World Drivers' Championship. Then everybody asks McLaren,"How could you be so K R less to let go of him?"
7) This punk loses in the International Shagging Contest. He's very upset & unhappy. His pals try to console him with "Cheer up,mate. It's not the end of the world. Try your hand at something else."
8) Cadbury Schweppes made a foray into the carbonated drinks category in India. They failed miserably. You could say that the competition 'Crush'ed Cadbury Schweppes.
9) Heard about this eccentric calculus professor? Well,he's got problems integrating into the society.
10) This guy is pissed off with poorly written books on general knowledge.So he gathers a heap of such books & sets them on fire. The police ask him what the hell he is doing. He replies,"I am culling information."
11) Rene Lacoste was never popular with people & never had any real friends. When he died , a large number of people shed Crocodile tears.
12) I can't figure out why I'm bad at maths.
13) Babes always do well in maths. Yeah,they are quite good with figures.
14) This rat & a donkey have a big showdown & they go to a court. The judge throws out their case with the words,"I don't give a rat's ass about this trivial matter."
15) This award-winning writer feels like having sex with his favourite whore. So he calls up the pimp & says ,"Booker."
16) The Tour de France was down to its last stage. These 2 cyclists were tied for the first place. The 2 were going neck & neck in the last stage & it wasn't clear who'd win.A few miles before the finish line one of the cyclists , a cunning guy, started talking non-stop to his rival. This disturbed the rival & he lost. "Spoke" in the wheel,huh?
17) Fat people are very stupid. Yeah,they're thick.
18) You oat to eat breakfast everyday.
19) Quaker & Kellogs are thinking of getting into the entertainment industry. They want to make cereals.
20) This fat man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor says ,"I'm afraid you've got a slim chance of living a long life."
21) PETA wants to put an end to killing cows for beef. So they are going to start a mooment.
22) The marriage of this couple ,both geologists, has hit a rocky patch.
23) This biased man loses his buttocks in an accident. Now everybody calls him bye-assed.
24) What did the male sheep say to the female sheep?
Answer : I love ewe.
25) What do you do when you're pissed off with a philatelist?
Answer : You stamp him.
26) This software engineer, a cheap & trashy guy, got dumped by his g.f. Why?
Answer : 'cos she found him techie.
27) Which football ground has the refrees handing out the maximum number of red cards?
Answer : Stampford Bridge.
28) Bees are very wealthy ,y'know? Well,it shouldn't be a surprise given that they are stingy.
29) If you walk in a very weird way ,it gaits to people.
30) Exxon Mobil has come out with a stunning new advertisment. It's very slickly made.
31) This punk has no respect for social manners. He often shoots off his mouth & embarrasses others. His mother is at the end of her tether & asks him,"Have you ever thought how your words cause embarrassment to others?" He replies ,"No,it never awkward to me."
32) There is a dramatic decrease in the number of wildcats in the forest. The police arrest this guy who stays on the outskirts of the forest & charge him with hunting wildcats for their fur. However the court lets him off as the police fails to establish the lynx between the guy & the disappearance of the wildcats.
33) The farmers , the fruit growers & the granary owners complain to the government that much of their output is being damaged by beetles. The government says ,"Don't worry. Weevil solve your problems."
34) This gay man, a wannabe socialite, is really fond of being seen among the swish set.
35) This low-budget film "Insomnia" was released with no hype. It picked up publicity by word of mouth & became a sleeper hit.
(By the way,Insomnia is a really good movie. Christopher Nolan is a genius. I've yet to see the movie. The reviews are outstanding.)
36)This cricket-mad gigolo is a very good batsman. He effortlessly sends the bouncers soaring to the boundary. Know why?
Answer : 'cos he's a hooker.
37)A cricket match is going to be played between the Frankenstein XI & the Werewolf XI. Dracula is going to be the vampire.
38)I've the hots for this babe,a veterinarian. She's a vet dream come true.
Rankled - To be infuriated at not getting the top rank.
Lackadaisical - Not having daisies.
Warrant - To rage against a war.
Bullet - To let in a bull.
Penultimate - The last pen.
Pentagram - 5 grams.
Expensive - An ex who is brooding.
Otter - A person who is fond of going Over The Top.
Ad verbatim - An advertisement that is a shameless copy of some other ad.
Fuckadaisical - Too listless to fuck.
Draconion - A very harsh onion that makes you cry excessively.
Sindicate - A group of sinners.
Disemvowel - To remove all vowels when sending a sms or chatting online.
Pleabeian - A request made by a commoner.
Amfibian - Someone who lies about being able to live on both land & water.
Hairlot - A whore who can give Rapunzel a run for her money.
Coorier - A messenger for sending lovey-dovey messages between lovers.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
2) This elusive thief has one weakness. He just can't resist a woman with a nice rack. So the police entice him with a well endowed policewoman acting as a hooker. He falls for the booby trap.
3) This once healthy man took to chain smoking. Over the years,the heavy smoking took its toll & rendered him impotent. A case of going to seed,huh?
4) This babe is known for circulating wild rumours & gossip that brings others to grief. Her nickname is "Buzzooka".
5) The police arrest this conwoman & bring her to the prison. What do they do with her?
Answer : Jailer.
6) This experienced weaver lost the tag of the best weaver in the world to an upcoming weaver. The old geezer then made a wove to regain his numero uno status.
7) I recently took a bath in a bathtub filled with inferior quality liquor. I had a swill time.
8) Rip van Winkle's dying wish was to have a tombstone mentioning only his surname. So his tombstone read "R.I.P van Winkle".
9) Heard about this man who slept for 20 years?When he woke up ,he found he had become very old & haggard. People called him Rip van Wrinkle.
10) Heard about this man who slept for 20 years & then after waking up,went on a slashing spree with his 12 inch knife? They called him "Jack the Ripper van Winkle".
11) It was 7 a.m when I tried to swat these flies. When I finally swatted the last of those damned things, I was shocked to find the time was 12 a.m. When you are engrossed ,time sure flies ,eh?
12) These photographers have come together to form a click.
13) This truck carrying shit swerved out of control & turned turdtle.
14) I was amazed to see this guy cleaning the filthiest & the smelliest toilet without so much as crinkling his nose. I asked him how he could do so. His reply was ,"Son,after 10 years in this job,no toilet faeces me anymore."
15) This man is a master of disguise. He uses turd to change his mug. Man of many faeces ,isn't he?
16) This dullard goes to a party. Sometime into the party ,he does a handstand. Know why?
Answer : 'cos somebody said, "Bottoms up".
17) This guy is drinking soup when his pal drops in. His pal drinks a few spoons of the soup & says the soup tastes funny. The first guy says ,"No,I find it Knorrmal."
18) This jockey loses the derby & feels suicidal. His pals try to cheer him up with "C'mon ,don't be upset over a mare race."
19) This little bee is very unruly. As it happens,his mom has to host a party. So she warns him to be on his best beehaviour.
20) This motorman took to boozing after his g.f ditched him. Boozing made him go off-track & his career was derailed.
21) This guy has an ambition of starting a beer brewery. He's got the brewery draught ready.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Cartel - A phone in a car.
Stink - A foul smelling kitchen sink.
Yoghurt - To get hurt while doing yoga.
Omnipresent - To simultaneously give gifts to different people in different places .
Conscience - The science of conning.
Hagiography - A biography of an ugly old woman.
Contract - An area of land owned by a conman.
2) This conservative man (may their tribe decrease) was pissed off to see his hot daughter dressed skimpily. What did he do?
Answer : He gave her a dressing down.
3) This painter loves to play defensive chess,y'know? He draws all his games.
4) This old man runs the biggest poultry business in the country. One day, his son usurps the business from him & throws him out. A case of coop d'etat , huh?
5) This vulture is eating a dead animal's flesh. A fellow vulture asks him ,"Whatcha doin'?" The first vulture replies ,"Eating. I'm busy ,don't disturb me" The second vulture says,"Oh,ok,carrion."
6) This guy is excited by the idea of swapping partners for a night of fun. So he asks his wife whether she's willing to go along with him. She replies ,"My mind is swinging between yes & no."
7) This man goes to a dentist. The dentists says his teeth are in such bad shape they gotta be knocked out. The man becomes distraught. The dentist says ,"You have to face the bitter tooth."
8) This guy who's in the business of tyres eats ,drinks & breathes tyres. His wife ditches him. Why?
Answer : She's tyred of his obsession.
9) This channel showed some programmes that were anti-Blacks. Following widespread protests,the channel was blacked out.
10) This guy has a strange desire for having sex with a witch. So he goes to a pimp who specializes in these things. Upon reaching ,the pimp parades half a dozen witches & asks ,"Witch one do you want to bed?"
11) This celebrity is fed up of the wild allegations against him. So when a reporter levels yet another allegation at him during an interview ,the celeb moons the reporter. Nice re'butt'al , eh?
12) A puma likes to talk very softly & lovingly. I guess that's why a puma is also called a coogar.
13) This chef is very eccentric & crazy, y'know? Yeah, he's a kook.
14) Wiley Publishing is coming out with a book on ventriloquism. It's targeted at beginners. The book is going to be called "Ventriloquism for dummies"
15) Researchers have said that African men have the largest penises. They also say that Caucasians come second & Asians the last. I say that this is a phallacy.
16) This punk is accused of copying in an exam. After a thorough inquiry , he is given a clean chit.
17) Heard about this once shapely babe who has now become fat & dumpy? Talk about going to waist.
18) Why do females go to beaches?
Answer : They love to indulge in beaching.
19) I am thinking of being a bird-seller. Yeah, I think I'll hawk hawks.
20) This monster is busy wolfing down goblins. A fellow monster passing through sees him & says ,"You sure are goblin' your food , huh?"
21) Heard about this suspicious baker? He is always doughtful of everyone.
22) Heard about Odin, the rain god & the also the king of gods? He rained supreme.
23) Heard about this brave baker? He's very doughty.
24) This brick-maker is very upset with his wife since she's cheating on him. Y'know what he wants to do?
Answer : He wants to kiln her.
25) This brick-maker is fond of his pals & relatives ,y'know? He likes to be with his kith & kiln all the time.
26) This guy hires a hitman to finish off his cheating wife. He tells the hitman ,"As soon as you see her in a lonely spot ,killer."
27) This black man threatens to release lurid & compromising photos of this actress unless she pays him a million dollars. A classic case of blackmale, eh?
28) These 2 countries are constantly warring with each other. One day ,they decide to have a dance competition instead of a war. Sure enough, the dance contest proves a smash hit & brings the people of the 2 countries together. Nothing like dancing to break down the waltz,eh?
29) I wand to be a magician.
30) This black monster with 3 heads goes to a dermatologist & says ,"I have got blackheads."
31) Heard about this group of people that loves trees? They always say ,"Willow trees."
32) This company that makes trays has reported that its profits have traybled.
33) This manufacturer of computer screens finds that their goods are being stolen from the storehouse. So they decide to monitor all storehouse activities.
34) This suitcase-maker has bagged a multi-million dollar contract.
35) This lady is unhappy with her butt because of the cellulite. She goes to a gym & asks what should be done. The trainer says," You've to exercise a lot. That is the bottom line."
36) This dullard is very depressed. So he goes about smashing all the booze bottles he can see.Why?
Answer : He wanted to hit the bottle to forget his depression.
37) This guy drowns in the sea. His pals decide to drown their sorrows in booze.
38) This guy says,"Look ,I've built a well all by myself." The people reply ,"Well done."
39) Caterpillar Inc has come out with new radical earthmovers & excavators. Those machines are truly groundbreaking.
Now for a joke that lies in a twilight zone between a normal joke & a punny joke. Here it goes :
What does Superman say when he's about to have sex?
Answer : Up, up & away!!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
2) This guy wins a fishing contest. He is asked how he felt when the winners' names were about to be read out. He replies ,"I was waiting with baited breath."
3) This government introduces a controversial proposal to construct a mega dam. Following widespread protests,it waters down the plans.
4) This arrogant & tyrannical king was a pain in the ass to the people. One day ,the people decided enough was enough. What action did the people take?
Answer : They got the king throne out.
5) This temple has 10,000 steps leading to it. No wonder you end up stairing at it in awe.
6) This shapely babe has been selected to promote awareness & importance of literacy. She's going to spread the message of learning the 3 arse.
7) This contest for the most well dressed man ended in a tie.
8) This woman ,an owner of a confection company is definitely eye-candy.
9) A bald man has got lost in the forest. The rescue teams are combing through the forest for him.
10) This drapery company is struggling with losses. It's curtains for them.
11) This guy , who attacked the government with his funny writings/speeches has been clamped down upon. Gagged,eh?
12) This frog is addicted to booze ,you know? Yeah ,it drinks toaddy all the time.
13) Odin ,the rain god ,was pissed off with Loki,the trickster god. Why?
Answer : 'cos Loki would rain on his parade every now & then.
14) This writer loses his right arm & along with it,his righting career.
15) This guy named Robert is saved from drowing by the life guard. The life guard says,"I saw him bobbing on the water helplessly."
16) This sprint race for zombies ended in a dead heat.
17) This magician-turned-finance minister kept increasing taxes all the time. Why? Answer : 'cos he was good at levytation.
18) This gay man is a pervert ,y'know? Yeah, whenever he visits a urinal ,he likes to take a sneaky glans at other men's tools.
19) This babe has been signed on by Victoria's Secret to be their 'bra'nd ambassador.
20) This farmer gets trapped under bales of hay for a long time. Upon being rescued , he says , " It was a hayllish experience."
21) This lingerie company is struggling with sales because of poor management. The shareholders have decided to sack the top bras.
22) This guy gets shot in the ear. It affects his hearing so much that no matter how close he stands to you ,he's always out of earshot.
23) This female model spurned an offer from a lingerie company. She's now regretting for letting slip the deal.
24) This two dullards are having an argument. A passerby suggests that they thrash out their differences. So they begin fisticuffs.
25) This babe finds that she's drifting apart from her boyfriend. She decides to ditch him. She's thinking of the best way to intimate him of this.
26) Even if you are a below average student,it's still easy to get admissions to top colleges. All you have to do is to be very shy. Not got it? Shy = Reserved.
(This pun is India-specific unlike the others)
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
2) How do you attack a prostitute?
Answer : You hook her.
3) This software company is struggling to meet the deadline to come out with a new word processor. In an attempt to speed up the development ,the company has adopted a caret and stick approach.
4) This hotshot director, a hard taskmaster demanded repeated takes in his quest for perfection. His film's main actor dropped out of the film. Why?
Answer : 'cos he couldn't take it anymore.
5) This fashion designer comes up with a new transparent dress. The fashion critics dismiss it as sheer nonsense.
6) How did this maker of marble tiles react after his company went bankrupt?
Answer : He lost his marbles.
7) This maker of silicon implants for breasts has gone bust.
8) This geologist eats ,drinks & sleeps rocks all the time. He's got rocks in his head.
9) Hugh Hefner's Playboy approached this prudish beautiful woman with an offer of 1 million dollars to pose topless for them. How did she react?
Answer : She blew her top.
10) This golfer is suspicious about his girlfriend's fidelity. So he always keeps an eagle eye on her.
11) This rich guy , a staunch vegetarian, had a sizeable percentage of shares of a food company. When the company decided to introduce steak ,he decided to protest. How?
Answer : By offloading his steak in the company.
12) This doctor managed to make a successful transition to being a politician. Guess why?
Answer : 'cos he was an expert in taking the pulse of the people.
13) This towel making company is into deep losses. They are thinking of throwing in the towel.
14) If I am given an overripe banana I will go bananas.
15) Sign outside a very popular public toilet : Mind your Pees & Queues.
16) This farmer grows the best beetroots on this earth. No one can beet him.
17) I have heard there's a beautiful young woman working in the bank. I think I'll cheque her out.
18) This guy is wanted by the police for issuing dud cheques. When they nab him ,they say,"You are chequemated."
19) Heard about this hot babe, a fashion designer? Well,many men have designs on her.
20) This farmer provides the most luscious hay for his cows. The cows think that the place is hayvenly.
21) The barber tried his hand at golfing. He couldn't make the cut in any tournament.
22) This girl just enters puberty. Obviously confused by the changes, she asks her mum whether anything is wrong with her. Her mum replies,"You are perfectly alright. Period."
23) This stock broker has a fetish of stealthily following babes. Yeah,he is a born stocker.
24) This textile mill is struggling with heavy losses. Its demise looms large.
25) Last Friday was miserable. The hot & humid climate was compounded by a power cut. That day turned out to be Fryday.
26) I am simply bored of being envious of others. Guess it's envy ennui.
2 more jokes,nothing to do with puns,but here because of lack of numbers to justify their own thread :
1) I am byslexic.
2) I am a firm believer of the give-&-take policy. You give me something nice & I'll take it.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Protests - Very supportive of tests.
Mushroom - A room meant for getting sweet & sentimental.
Splash - To disturb placid waters with a whip.
Mementos - Mints kept as souvenirs.
Capable - The quality of something allowing an upper limit to be put on it.
2) The tracks of the railways were found to be of poor quality,leading to frequent bumps. No wonder that everyone's railing against the railways.
3) This dog is blessed with great stamina. He's capable of digging a 6 feet pit without a pawse.
4) This painter is blessed with good health. You could say he's hale & arty.
5) This guy believes that drinking ale is the way to being ale & hearty.
6) These two guys are constantly bickering over who can draw a better square. Last heard, they were getting ready to square off to settle this issue.
7) This Oriental man has recently relocated to the big bad West. He is finding the alien culture of the West quite disorienting.
8) This particular fish is prone to complaining. Why?
Answer : 'cos the fish is a carp!
9) What words does a man use when he wants to say goodbye after a one-night stand?
Answer : Schlong. (So long...geddit?)
10) Dow Jones is coming out with a new indicator for world peace. The new indicator is going to be based on the 30 most peaceful countries. It is going to be called the "Dove Jones".
11) This teenager gets fined by a cop for rash driving. The teenager arrives home visibly shaken. His mom notices this & asks him if he's okay. Not wanting her to know the truth,the teenager says ,"I'm fine."
12) This moneylender likes solitude ,y'know? Yeah,he's a loaner.
13) This babe has a stylish way of getting angry. You could say she's got a flare for getting angry.
14) Each of these 2 hot-tempered guys claim that he can spit the farthest. As I say this,they are having a spat.
15) This baby deer likes to fawn on everybody .
16) This Japanese guy has a yen for becoming rich.
17) This rich young woman is quite a good-lucre.
18) This guy ,who is suffering from erectile dysfunction, always makes excuses when his g.f demands sex. His standard excuse is ,"I'm very tired. I don't feel up to it."
19) This cricketer is fond of smoking marijuana on the eve of important matches. This affects his fielding very badly. Can you guess in what way?
Answer : It makes him grass catches.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Answer : 'cos a thief is a home-breaker!
2) Ford ,the car maker from USA , has launched the most expensive car in the world. The damn thing is unaf'ford'able.
3) Heard about this bad film about chickens? Well, it laid an egg at the box-office.
4) I have got the hots for this beautiful female lawyer. I think I will court her.
5) Everybody's complaining that I use too many expletives. I swear I'll kick this bad habit.
6) This weather-man got a book about rain. He's pouring over the book.
7) This baker has started a charity. He's asking for doughnations.
8) Dow Jones is coming out with a new indicator of stock market prices ; based on the share value prices of the 30 top bakeries. The new indicator is to be called "Dough Jones".
9) Heard about this guy's peculiar illness of getting weak on every Friday,Saturday & Sunday? Guess you can say that he's weakened every weekend.
10) This particular period in the past had everyone having pimples willingly. Know why?
Answer : It was the Zitgeist.
11) This dullard didn't get the joke about a fat guy. I guess you could say the dullard missed the paunchline.
12) Heard about this guy who is fond of drinking gallons of ale? Well, he's fallen sick from drinking that vile stuff. You could say he's aleing.
Treaty - The person who's being given a treat.
Ireland - A country of angry people.
Conundrum - A drum that is very difficult to play.
Bumpkin - To collide with a relative.
Psychopath - The way to being a person with an antisocial personality.
Hubcap - The cap of most interest.
Retired - To get tired again.
Plywood - To use wood.
Erupt - To lose temper on the internet.
Century - A dollar.
Pineapple - To intensely long to eat apples.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Pillfer - To steal medicinal pills.
Griefon - A sorrowful winged monster with an eagle-like head and body of a lion.
Condour - An unfriendly large bird.
Zerro - A flop Zorro.
Beesieged - To be surrounded by bees.
Samartian - A helpful Martian.
Currupt - To further ruin an already inferior dog.
Pollytic - Habitual twitching of a parrot.
Pollitic - The nervous twitching experienced by scumbag politicans at the time of elections.
Porkupine - To intensely long to eat pork.