Thursday, July 29, 2010
A: "Trick or teat?"
2) Heard about this guy who went insane from being sodomized? "Driven round the bend", indeed.
3) Heard about the method actor who just landed the role of a dermatologist? He's trying hard to get into the skin of his character.
4) Heard about this dermatologist who ventured into films? Now all he does is skin flicks.
5) Q: So what does a sex-crazed plumber say every time he sees a hot babe?
A: "I wanna tap that!"
6) Q: What do you say to a zombie who's obsessed with trivial matters?
A: "Get a life."
7) If you get an STD & become unwell/depressed, does it mean you're "laid low"?
8) Q: What's the worst way to greet a man with priapism?
A: "What's up?"
9) Have poor knowledge of recreational drugs? Don't worry, I'll bring you up to speed.
10) Heard about the necrophiliac hitman? First he whacks you, then he whacks off.
11) Repairs on the leaning tower of Pisa are going on at full tilt.
12) So, at this wanking contest, I'm the top seed & I'm pretty sure I'll win it hands down.
13) Q: How do you describe the mood of a well-endowed basketball player?
14) Heard about the basic, no-frills condom with no sense of humour? Well, it doesn't like to be ribbed.
15) Why did Minnie Mouse feel humiliated while giving birth? 'cos the doc & nurses were taking the mickey out of her.
16) if you're a police informant a sex maniac to boot, & you've to tell the police about a ho's crimes, the newspaper headline would read "Sex crazy informant fingers prostitute"
17) I hope no one gets wind of my farting problem.
18) Q: If you’re fondling your babe’s jugs, and your boss phones you, what should be your response?
A: “Sorry boss, I’ve got my hands full.”
19) What exactly does an party-loving, club-hopping, axe-wielding, machine-gun-toting psychopath mean when he says "I'm going to paint the town red." ?
20) Q: Why isn't Ali Baba ever denied sex by his wife?
A: 'cos all he has to do is get in front of her closed legs & say 'Open Sesame'.
21) Is 'Speed TV' a channel dedicated to meth?
22) In my previous job as a copywriter, my boss was unhappy with my work. Trying to defend myself, I said, "But I took my best stab at writing the copy." The boss replied, "Oh, I trust you did. In fact so well, that you murdered the copy."
23) Heard about the hardcore flirt who ejaculates over a long distance? Yeah, he comes on too strongly.
24) So this struggling porn actress has finally landed a meaty role.
25) A spanking new S & M shop has opened in my area.
26) Masochist = Someone who beats off to getting beaten up.
27) Men, who says you've to shell out a bomb to gift your girlfriend bling-bling? At absolutely no cost to you, she can play with your family jewels and get a dazzling pearl necklace.
28) So this prostitute steals 5000 fake penises from a sex toy factory. Headlines next day: "Ho pinches 5000 one-eyed snakes in one day."
29) Every one of my jobs was emotionally taxing. Y'see, every one of 'em bored me to tears.
30) This upset guy with a split personality is beside himself.
31) If recreational drugs are outlawed, can one be arrested for taking Viagra?
32) Q: When does a cannibal eat human brains?
A: When it's time to have some food for thought.
33) If a Mexican guy has newly joined the labour force, is it racist to call him 'wet behind the ears'?
34) Y'know, a traffic jam is often sexual in nature. For men, at least. Y'see, it involves a heavy usage of the start-stop technique.
35) This guy, who was born in grinding poverty and yet went on to become a wealthy pimp, is coming out with his autobiography. It's titled "From Rags to Bitches".
36) When it came to inaction & letting Rome go to hell, Nero certainly didn't play second fiddle.
37) You can't be sure what exactly a sex-crazed cannibal means when he says "I'm gonna eat my girlfriend!"
38) Heard about this rich prostitute who provides capital to companies, without taking up an active role? Yeah, she likes to be a sleeping partner.
39) The Black Widow devours her male partner with consummate ease.
40) Heard about this dominatrix who services both coarse, uncouth men as well as posh, refined gentlemen? Yeah, she straddles both worlds with ease.
41) So, this pop star, accused of pedophilia, is asked by a reporter, "So what exactly where the children doing in your home?" The pop star replies, "Playing musical instruments." Reporter asks, "Musical instruments? Like what?" Pop star replies, "My organ."
42) So, this gimp, after losing every match in an S & M competition (don't ask me what goes on there) says forlornly, "I guess I'm everybody's whipping boy."
43) To make people laugh, you've to go for their jocular.
44) I think I may have lost my sense of humour. I fractured my funny bone & severed my jocular vein.
45) My porn movie's tribbing scenes didn't make it past the censors' scissors.
46) Beware, software geeks, a hot laptop can destroy your bits.
47) So this guy who's into sadism, keeps on beating his girlfriend without penetrating. Exasperated by the lack of action, she says "C'mon already, stop beating around the bush!"
48) Overheard a woman's rant: "My boyfriend isn't innovative in bed. For him, it's only pussy, pussy & pussy. I wish he'd think outside the box."
49) Zillions of years ago, a wise old man predicted humans of the future would be forced to have protected sex. His words proved to be prophylactic.
50) Q: Why did the clown in the movie run?
A: 'cos he wanted to be a running joke.
51) My girlfriend rarely puts out. Yeah, she's mingy with her minge.
52) Q: What's common to Ada Lovelace, widely considered the world's first computer programmer, & Linda Lovelace, the immortal porn star of 'Deep Throat'?
A: Both had something to do with bits.
Monday, May 24, 2010
2) When a bitch is in heat, she's ready to hitch in a beat.
3) In the technology battle, aliens run crop circles around humans.
4) Heard about the method actor who just landed the role of a dermatologist? He's trying hard to get into the skin of his character.
5) Heard about this dermatologist who ventured into films? Now all he does is skin flicks.
6) Q: Why can't Muslims inculcate a habit of saving money?
A: 'cos it's unholy to have piggy banks.
7) Atheist? Jesus will be cross with you.
8) Q: How does a dyslexic guy react to misfortune?
A: "This happens."
9) Q: What does a porn star do for good luck?
A: Grab a hard-on & say "Touch wood!"
10) Lingerie thief gives police the slip.
11) Q: How do you tell a woman she's a bitch, without using the word 'bitch'?
A: Throw a stick and say 'Fetch'.
One-trick pony = A pony that indulges in prostitution only once in its lifetime.
13) To all the self-gratification addicts out there: Replace hand-jobs with foot-jobs. It's time you tried something offbeat.
14) Jack the Ripper to an upset, unwilling victim : "Oh, come on, don't be so cut up."
15) So, if a transsexual opens a car repair/servicing centre, what exactly is (s)he to interpret when a customer says, "I want a new tranny." ?
16) So, this craftsman who's bad in bed, says it's always the fault of the hos. Guess it isn't true that a bad craftsman always blames his tool.
17) So this Frenchman goes into this restaurant & places his order. Immediately, the chef chops off the Frenchman's legs, cooks 'em & serves 'em. Y'see, the poor bastard ordered Frog Legs.
18) Q: If a thief sneaks into a house & steals the resident babe's virginity, what should he be charged with?
A: Breaking and entering.
19) Do fat people go skinny dipping?
20) Guess what I saw on a colleague's PC? 'McAfee removed a Trojan'. Strange that an anti-virus thingamajig chooses to remove a condom.
21) Between anorexic women & Rubenesque women, we straight men would plump for the latter any day.
22) Breaking news: Prude govt. puts a gag on S & M.
Supporters of S & M whip up frenzy across the country.
In retaliation, the govt. takes a hell-for-leather approach and cracks the whip on the supporters of S & M.
23) Q: Why is a tomato always happy to let go of opportunities? A: 'cos it means missing the gravy train.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
2) Q: What do you calling a hooker who bores you by droning on about useless things?
3) Sale sign outside lingerie shop - "Flat 50% off on push-up bras."
4) This new book on sex is really great. Just how great? Well, its foreword page is titled 'Foreplay'.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
2) Did you know supermarkets have dedicated spots to ogle at girls? Yep, they are called checkout counters.
3) Movie buff: I saw Guy Ritchie's 'Snatch'.
His none-too-bright friend: Really? I always thought Guy's a man.
4) Priapism & a sense of humour is all that a man requires to be a stand-up comedian.
5) Heard about this guy who's forced to work as a gimp? Talk about bonded labour.
6) Advice to politicans: When a dirt-digging journalist tells the world that you indulge in wife-swapping, deny it aggressively & threaten to sue. In other words, come out swinging.
7) So, the Drug Enforcement Administration finds that this guy has hidden cocaine in his rectum. Next day's headlines read: "DEA finds crack in man's butt."
8) So this none-too-impressive actor with a priapism problem tried his luck in the porn industry. The critics wrote him off as a wooden actor.
9) I want to buy Viagra but I am hard on cash.
10) A good sexologist always advocates different lovemaking positions, with a missionary zeal.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Answer: 'cos they don't eat meat.
2) Heard about the ex-con who's now making a clean living as a grave-digger? Well, talk about burying the past.
3) Heard about this rich socialite who lost her status as the world's #1 shopaholic? You could say she's a spent force.
4) Heard about this guy who suffers from priapism and isn't a stickler for punctuality? Well, he always stands up his dates.
5) Know why this sharpshooter took some valium pills?
Answer: His nerves were shot.
6) Heard about this attention-seeker who stapled his lips & nostrils? Well, it did pay off. Y'see, everybody's attention was pinned to him.
7) So there's this fellatio competition. And just like it happens in a tennis Grand Slam, the top-seeded(!) ho faces off with the rank underdog ho in the final. The reporters buzz around the underdog & ask her about her chances against the heavily favoured topseed. Her reply, "I won't go down without a fight."
8) Heard about this guy who manages to ruin every business he gets involved with? No wonder he's called the "Jack off all trades."
9) Heard about this annoying acupuncturist? He's a prick indeed!
10) Heard about this irritating handyman? He's a tool indeed!
11) Heard about this guy who suffers from severe irritable bowel syndrom (IBS) ? No wonder the poor bastard feels pooped all day.
12) Y'know, I am impatiently waiting to fulfil this strange fetish of mine. The fetish being a hot babe licking my baby-batter off my chest. The day it happens, it'll certainly be a load off my chest.
13) Jack the ripper likes only sharp knives and cleavers. Yeah, if they're blunt, he gets pretty cut up.
14) Here's some friendly advice from a vegetarian - "Steer clear of beef."
15) Know why this bald man is so unflappable?
Answer : Nobody can get in his hair.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Poor bastard's been in a comma ever since!
2) This lingerie company, which has found itself in dire straits, is downsizing. Yeah, many employees are being handed pink slips.
3) Sign outside a tony and obscenely expensive gym in London - "We make sure you lose pounds, this way or that way."
4) Heard about this legless guy who's famed for his calmness?
Well, it isn't a surprise given that nobody can tread on his toes.
5) Heard about this 'omo who's on his deathbed, thanks to heavy-duty smoking?
Talk about being at the fag end of life.
6) Heard about this guy who can resist the seductions of all women except the Chinese ones?
Guess he too has chinks in his armour.
7) Stealing fruits from a guarded tree requires you to be real plucky.
8) After years of denying having got silicon implants, this starlet has finally decided to make a clean breast of it.
9) Heard about this puppeteer who is never serious about any babe he beds?
Well, he likes to have relationships with no strings attached.
10) Heard about this hot-tempered stripper?
Well, she's very famous for easily losing her shirt.
11) Heard about this angler who thought he could strike it rich with cyber-crime ? Somebody told the poor sod that all it takes to be a cyber criminal is expertise in phishing.
12) This guy, depressed about his willie's small size, is pouring his heart out to his friends. Unbeknownst to him & his cronies, his old man walks over to the group and asks what they're discussing. Startled, the guy blurts out, "Oh, nothing, dad. Just having small talk."
13) Heard about this famous artist who looks like a Greek god?
No wonder he draws so many women!
14) Saw this documetary about dissecting cadavers?
It's truly visceral.
15) Here's a good copy for a condom ad: "I'm a stickler for punctuality... but on special occasions, I like to come late."
16) Following his arrest for getting a fellatio from a ho, this movie star is worried about his image. His manager assures him, "Oh don't worry. Public memory is short. In a month or so, this controversy will blow over."
17) Here's what I'll write to a babe when I am desperate to bed her:
"F _ ck. I can't complete this word without you."
18) I had got the shares of Frito Lay's dirt cheap way back then. Now that their value has appreciated a zillion percent, it's time for me to cash in on my chips.
19) Know why this Muay Thai champion snorts cocaine before his fights?
It gives him a kick.
20) Heard about this guy called John, who can delay his ejaculation as long as he wants to?
Everyone calls him "Johnny-come-lately".
Saturday, June 14, 2008
2) Heard about the talented but failed plumber? Poor guy didn't tap his potential.
3) A hot, curvy, va-va-voom babe from Thailand has moved in next door. I think I'll put into practise the phrase "Love Thai neighbour".
4) Heard about this hangman who's blessed with a large manhood? You could say he's well hung.
5) So this well hung guy invites over a call girl & asks her to give him head. When he drops out of his pants, the ho is stunned by his manhood & keeps on staring for a minute. Exasperated, the guy says, "Let's get down to business, shall we?"
6) Priapism can really give a man a hard time.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
2) I am reading this book on euthanasia. It's so bloody interesting that I just can't put it down.
3) Heard about this guy who's got an obsessive habit of giving the highway salute to anyone & everyone he sees? The shrinks who analyzed him couldn't put a finger on it.
4) This poor bastard who's a bit deaf is busy bonking his girlfriend. Sure enough, the broad gets an orgasm & lets out a barely audible "Oh my god". Unable to get her, he asks her, "Eh? Come again?"
(Now, before you pull out the knives, let me tell you that I'm myself hearing impaired & it's not that I enjoy making fun of disabilities in real life.)
5) This guy's got a strange problem of temporary hearing loss whenever he gets an erection. Hard of hearing, eh?
(He should thank his stars he doesn't suffer from priapism. And no, neither do I suffer from priapism.)
6) I am a very liberal man who thinks of curvy females 24/ 7. I guess you could call me broad-minded.
7) Heard about this poor bastard who died after beign savagely mauled by a Kodiak bear? You could say he met with a grizzly end.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
2) Heard about this bumbling guy who got caught while trying to smuggle hallucinogenic drugs? Well, you could say he made a hash of it.
3) Q - Why did Pepsi fire one of their top execs, who happened to be a junkie?
A - 'cos they caught him doing Coke.
4) The founder of the magazine "Hustler" is a miser, y'know? Yeah, Larry's a skinFlynt.
5) Heard about this Hispanic guy who has a fetish for cleanliness & neatness? Talk about being spic & span.
Not a pun, but what the hell -
Juan --> Huan
Javier --> Havier
Jose --> Hose
Jumper --> ??
Seephilis - A problem of immense eye strain caused by watching too much porn.
Looquacious - Droning on & on about toilets.
Jizzus - The God of male fertility.
Cellibate - One who has never used a cell phone.
Pshycopath - A psychopath who is bashful. (Now don't ask me what 'bash'ful means. )
Pryapism - Persistent problem of being a nosy parker.
Dissoriented - To have a tendency of insulting others most of the time.
Hundread - To be scared shitless of Attila the Hun.
Fournicate - To knock up 4 times.
Thesbian - A lesbian actress.
Enemya - To flush out your enemies. (If you're being buggered by your enemy, you now know what to do, don't you?)
Premoneytion - A feeling that you're going to lose money in the days to come.
Deliberate - To lambast a food shop.
Dramatic - Spectacular twitching of the face.
Consequence - A series of deceitful acts.
Humdrum - To hum & drum at the same time in a bored manner.
Curfew - Small number of mutts.
Triad - 3 Chinese advertisements.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Suemo - A big lawsuit.
Okaysion - Any event where a go-ahead is given.
Webshite - A really bad & shoddy website.
Caddylac - A company that manufactures golfing carts for caddies.
Weeird - A little bit odd.
Fobia - A strong fear of being deceived.
Man Fryday - The chief assistant to a chef who specializes in cooking oily food.
Defunkt - The state of having lost all funkiness.
2) Q: What do you tell a golfer if you want him to remain steady while putting?
A: "Stay putt."
3) This kangaroo goes to a shrink to find out if anything's wrong with it. The shrink checks the kangaroo & says, "I think you jump to conclusions too much."
4) This thief is produced in the court on the charges of having stolen gold jewellery. After hearing the evidence, the judge says, "Your gilt is proven beyond doubt."
5) Q: What do you call it when a despicable person wants to throw up?
A: A wretch is wanting to retch.
6) Rapper Curtis Jackson is thinking of having his own line of perfumes. He plans to brand the perfumes by the name of "50 Scent".
7) Q: What do you say when you see a very fat woman?
A: "She's broad."
8) I joined this course for rapelling. Well, being a greenhorn & all that, I made heavy weather of it on the first day. The trainer tried to encourage me by saying it was a descent effort.
9) Night-vision goggles are really cool, y'know? Yeah, you can make light of darkness.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Sobbatical - A break from crying.
Mushine - A computer that generates thousands of lovey-dovey messages for the likes of Hallmark.
Harpes - Repetitive stress injury caused by playing the harp too much.
Soberiquet - A staid & boring nickname OR A nickname given to a guy who's able to stand sober after downing drinks.
Titotaller - A guy who refrains from touching the breasts of a woman when having sex with her.
Roamantic - Very fond of roaming.
Penisillin - An antibiotic to treat infections & diseases of the penis.
Migrainte - The headache caused to the government by the influx of migrants.
Shyne - Dim glow.
Veneereal disease - A sexually transmitted disease that is superficial.
Woodpecker - A phallic sculpture made of wood.
Faggot - A 'omo with a cigarette.
Gonad - An ad painted on a testicle. (Hey, after the forehead, cleavage & midriff, don't you think it's time?)
Germane - Relevant & appropriate hair.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Cocktail - A tail that is shaped like a phallus.
Redress - To get dressed again.
Intimidate - A date who strikes fear in the heart.
Nabob - A wealthy man named Robert.
Barbarian - A savage guy in the bar.
Popemobile - A pope who's not wheelchair-bound.
iDiot - An iPod-toting fool.
Disstaff - Women who are rude.
Hypeochondriac - A screwball who loves to publicize his imaginary ailments to the world.
Funnee - A funny sounding maiden name of a woman.
Misstaken - A babe who's already been snapped by some other dickhead.
Rayduce - To decrease the glare.
Sinonymous - Equated with sin.
Pierate - One who steals pies.
Loyell - Dedicated to yelling.
Innoscent - Innocuous scent.
Bowhemian - Unconventional style of bowing.
Sueicide - To take someone to court even when you know that you have a snow's chance in hell of winning the case.
Coytus - Sexual union of a shy couple.
(If they are shy, how the hell do they find the balls to fuck? You tell me!)
Weapun - A deadly pun.
Gleecerine - A liquid used by actors when the director requires them to shed tears of joy.
Drakeula - A male duck that's got fangs.
Omniwhore - A whore present everywhere at the same time.
Socker - A game that combines football & fisticuffs.
Quillt - A blanket made from quills.
Squintessential - The perfect squint.
Seadate - Very calm sea.
Genietals - A genie's privates.
Harelot - A whore who has a lot of bunnies.
Bootcher - To shatter someone by booing loudly.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
2) This guy has a nasty fall while riding his bike & ends up breaking the bone from the shoulder to the elbow. He makes for a funny sight in his cast. When his pals make fun of him, he says the jokes aren't humerus.
3) This guy lost his beloved moped. So devastated was he by this that he moped for many months.
4) This car company found itself under the scanner when its cars were reported to be unsafe while braking. Refusing to take the blame, the company blamed the supplier of brakes. The brake-making company, in turn said that the car's poor designs were to blame for the brakes failing. After some days of acrimony, the two dragged each other to court. Sad that their partnership had to brake up.
5) Heard about this hotshot baseball pitcher who is a devotee of Bacchus? Well, he's fond of benders.
6) This veteran software programmer who was unwilling to learn newer ways of programming, stuck to procedural programming. When a mega project had to be executed, he found that he couldn't do anything his way. So the company hired a kid who successfully executed the project using OOP (Object Oriented Programming). Impressed with the kid, the company fired the veteran. The kid surely gave the veteran programmer an object lesson, huh?
7) Q: How do you convince a fat friend to reduce the flab?
Answer : You lean on him/her.
8) This butler plays tennis very well, y'know? Well, it shouldn't be a surprise given that he's known for serving well.
9) I am hoping to get picked by a big advertising agency. If my dreams don't come true, I'll be piqued.
10) This guy has a terrible accident, & his family jewels & dick get detached from his body. Scared shitless, he collects them & goes to the hospital. After examining him, the surgeons say that they can successfully re-attach his organs & that his sexual prowess would not be affected. The guys replies, "Wow! I'm thrilled to bits!"
11) This new dentist initially found it very tough to have a clinic up & going.Can be said that the poor fellow faced a lot of teething problems.
12) The cops managed to nab this fugitive who had a heart problem. When they put the handcuffs on him, he died of the shock. Cardiac arrest, eh?
13) This newly launched vibrator has failed to make a mark in the sex toy market. Yeah, people say it's no great shakes.
14) Heard about this rude magician who disses everybody by making obscene gestures? Well, he's known for his slight-of-hand skills.
This section has nothing to do with puns, but what the hell!
1) I'm ambidextrous, y'know? Yep, I can dig my nose with either hand.
2) Always use a condom. Prevention is better than abortion.
3) Circular definitions:
Vest - A man's bra.
Bra - A woman's vest.
Snot - Nasal semen.
Semen - Penile snot.
4) What we eat is passed out as turd the next day. Which means we all eat shit.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Hareness - To control & direct a rabbit.
Invenctive - Inventive in conjuring up new & weird expletives or insults.
Obknocksious - Annoying way of knocking up.
Amalgame - A game that is a combination of two or more games.
Wailrus - A large marine mammal that cries at the drop of a hat.
Homiecide - To carry out the killing of a friend.
Oaffice - An office full of stupid people.
2) How do you make fun of a fashion designer?
Answer : You should say something tongue-in-chic.
3) Loki, the god who was a trickster, got all the other gods pissed off with him. As they were baying for his blood, he decided to remain Loki until the storm blew over.
4) This guy has a fetish for fat women. When he comes of a marriageable age, his parents ask him in a worried tone whether he'll select the right woman. He replies ,"Don't worry, I'll plump for the right woman."
5) The police were called to track down the robbers who had made off with a truck carrying millions of dollars. The police pressed sniffer dogs into service, but after some time ,the dogs lost the cent of the robbers.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Answer : 'cos he doesn't like to have stakes.
2) This baseball pitcher injured his shoulder. The physiotherapist said that the injury is so severe that he won't ever be able to pitch again. No wonder that the pitcher has been in the throws of despair ever since!
3) Even if you have a bad cold & feel like blowing your nose,be mindful of others' sensitivities. It snot the done thing to offend others.
4) This peacenik in the Spanish government has brokered peace between the government & the ETA. No wonder that he wants to Basque in glory.
5) Heard about this fisherman who's obsessed with catching only bass all the time? He's a bassket case indeed!
6) This coloured presidential candidate initially found it difficult to gain acceptance among the whites. But after putting a lot of effort in sending out his message of economic reforms,he wan them over.
7) What do you get when you divide a country into antagonistic states that only serves to make the people cry in despair?
Answer : Bawlkan region.
8) Heard about this dye-making company that's struggling to stay afloat & pay the workers ? Well,it's in dyer straits.
9) Why did this baseball pitcher also make a good salesman?
Answer : 'cos he had a good sales pitch.
10) What happens when a huge & heavy wreath falls on you?
Answer : You wreathe in agony.
11) Heard about this flashy biker who likes to wear flamboyant & loud colored helmets? He likes to be Shoei.
Anorack - A jacket with a hood for the bosom.
Shabbylis - Badly made Chablis.
Neofight - A new brawl.
Whyrus - A disease of asking "why" all the time.
Cockette - A woman who trifles with a man's dick.
Commoditty - A useful song.
Innoweight - Make changes in the body weight in a novel way.
Infinitesimull - To give little or no thought.
Muttiny - A rebellion of dogs.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
PTA - Pelvic Thrusters' Association.
PDA - Public Display of Anger.
VIP - Very Idiotic Person.
PETA - People for Extreme Torture of Animals. (I am actually an animal lover & a vegetarian, it really hurts)
WYSIWYG - What You See Isn't What You Get.
2) I've this bad habit of waking up very late in the morning. I really want to start getting up at sunrise. I think it's going to be a dawnting task.
3) This unlucky bastard from Sweden was attacked by cannibals while going through a jungle in the Amazon. The cannibals killed & ate him. The cannibals were surprised to find that he tasted Swede.
4) Heard about this weaver who likes to tell stories? Yeah, he really likes to spin a yarn.
5) This guy took up to being a cotton grower. However ,as he had no experience , his initial attempts gave a poor yield . But after a few months of trial & error ,he finally cotton.
6) Heard about this hunky illustrator? Well, he draws women to him like a flame attracts moths.
7) This horse-breeder has a large stud farm. One day, there's a fire in the horse barn & all the horses perish. The breeder goes off the rails. After many months of psychiatric treatment,he becomes stable.
8) This film star complains to the police that an obsessive fan's been stalking her for many days. The police find that the fan keeps on changing his address. So the police fan out to hunt the fan.
9) This dog is a famous film star. However,he's fed up of giving interviews left ,right & centre. One day, an overzealous television reporter wakes him up when he's asleep. The doggy film star loses his temper & gives her sound bites.
10) There's this crying contest held to find out who can cry the best. After the conclusion of the contest,the winner is asked how it feels. The happy winner says,"All's wail that ends wail."
11) This rapper is famous for his expletive laden & violence glorifying lyrics. His songs influence the youth to take to crime. So the police arrest him & produce him in court on charges of inciting disorder. The judge says to the rapper in a harsh tone,"Your vile lyrics & songs have had a negative influence on the youth." The chastened rapper says,"Yes ,your honor,I take the rap for this."
12) This tranquil place,a home to many birds , began to lose its charm when a factory came up. Some months down the line, the place had many factories belching smoke & pollutants from their chimneys. Fed up of the noise & pollution, all the birds flue away.
13) This farmer falls on hard times & is unable to feed his cattle properly. The cows get into a nostalgic mode & say ,"Ah! How we miss those old days of getting to eat good quality hay! Sigh,those were the haydays."
14) This small county is terrorised by this film star who has a habit of drinking & driving very recklessly. One day, she goes over the top in DUI & nearly ends up killing a few pedestrians. The sheriff arrests her & takes her to the court. The judge says to the sozzled film star,"I'll let you out on bailiff you promise to sober up."
15) I visited a sugar factory recently. I saw that the molasses really treacles very slowly.
16) The farmers are being harassed by swarms of locusts who damage all the crops. Hence the government decides to employ pest extermination services to deal with the problem. However ,fanatical animal rights activists go to court against this decision. The court throws out the animal rights activists' petition saying that they had no locust standi.
17) This weird guy ,who had a fickle mind, veered very often.
Zombia - A country full of zombies.
Boorbon - A whisky targeted at boors.
Neighgeria - A country where horses outnumber men.
Necksus - The linking of necks that occurs when a couple indulges in snogging.
Metallorgy - The science of combining many metals.
Screwtinize - To analyse the act of intercourse.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Roly-polly - A chubby parrot.
Fartist - A person who has elevated the act of breaking wind into an art form.
Playtonic - The word that best describes any game that doesn't involve any physical contact.
Iconolast - The least popular idol.
Geigler Counter - A device to measure laughter.
Oddyssey - An odd & very long adventurous journey.
Treecherous - A tree that can't be relied upon to give a consistent yield of fruits.
Hackneed - To have a knee chopped.
Thighland - The sex capital of the world.
Bangcock - The capital of Thighland.
Geecko - A geek who can climb walls.
Illegitimate - To indulge in unlawful sex.
Tinsel - To vend tin.
Taxidermy - The art of preserving a taxi's body in good condition even after the engine & all other parts are rusting in peace.
Scabbard - The itch to become a poet.
Blindfold - To fold something without looking at it.
Continued - A shaven pussy.
Slumber - A sleepy & dull slum.
2) This superstore stocks a vast array of incense sticks from different manufacturers,all of them josstling for your attention.
3) I would like to fight global warming. So I am planning to grove a lot of trees.
4) The morality brigade & the health nuts of this country come together to push for a total ban on booze. The captains of the booze industry ,to fight this ban proposal,then gather together & go to the ruling party's headquarters with a truckload of money. The booze honchos say to the party's top rung of leaders,"Look,we don't want a ban. So please take as much money as you want & Bacchus to the hilt."
5) This poor scholar lives in squalor.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Philosofee - The fee taken by a philosopher to give a lecture.
Arsenull - Having no buttocks.
Polltergeist - A ghost that's used to do mischief during elections.
Thoraxe - The axe of Thor,the god of thunder.
Whiskee - The person or thing that has been whisked away.
Ambivalentine - A sweetheart who's uncertain of giving a commitment.
Button - An arse weighing 1000 kilograms.
Pomfret - An Englishman who worries too much.
Codswallop - A severe blow given by a large sea fish.
Drawer - Someone who does sketches.
Emulate - To imitate an emu.
Kvetch - To etch a complaint.
Answer: 'cos it is likely to squeal on you.
2) Corruption is rampant in the Mediterranean region. You've to Greece palms to get the smallest of things done.
3) This unfriendly guy goes to a career counsellor to ask what job will suit him the best. The counsellor says he's best suited to be a dour-to-dour salesman.
4) These 2 countries are trading charges of espionage. More & more serious charges are being levelled everyday. The situation looks like it's spyralling out of control.
5) This eagle is very skilled at catching prey. Yeah,it's very talonted.
6) Heard about the fastest supercomputer? It's really inCraydible.
7) The employees are against their boss who's too harsh & rude. So the top brass issues a warning to the guy saying , "If you are rough with your juniors,you'll have to tender your resignation."
8) This man was once a die-hard devotee of Bacchus. But he turned to religion & God to give up the bottle. He's now very spiritual.
9) How do you appreciate a welder?
Answer : By saying "Weldone".
10) This guy ,who doesn't pressurise anybody,goes to his pal's place. He finds that the pal & his home are very filthy. He tells the pal to improve the cleanliness. His pal says he likes everything to be dirty. So the guy says to the pal ,"Soot yourself."
11) I simply dislike people hunting game birds. I've got a grouse against the hunters.
12) This cosmetic surgeon,employed by a hospital, is very corrupt & siphons off funds meant for medical purposes. When the hospital finds this out,they charge him with graft.
13) This film star complains to the police that an obsessive fan has been stalking her for many days. So the police fan out to hunt down the stalker.
14) If a plumber is too noisy ,what do you do?
Answer : You tell him to pipe down.
15) This man's crying because his house has got burnt down. His pal tries to console him with the words,"Try to move on. Don't dwell on it."
16) No matter how scenic a place might be,it's never enough for a cynic.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Backteria - The bacteria found on your back.
Boatany - The science of boats.
Missadventure - A lady who's fond of adventures OR To miss the action.
Spaycialist - A surgeon whose expertise lies in spaying.
Agetated - To be disturbed by advancing age.
Puppee - A pup takes a piss.
Feeud - A quarrel over the fee.
Mousselini - An Italian dictator who liked to eat mousse.
Squandary - The quandary over how to squander money.
Leperd - A leopard with leprosy.
Hispanic - A man's fear.
Radioactive - A radio in fine condition.
Number - Comparative of numb.
Monotony - Single & posh.
Kegel exercises - Exercises which involve lifting of heavy beer kegs.
Citizen - An enlightened city.
Titbit - A small piece of the breast.
Average - To declare one's age.
Chimera - An imaginary chime.
Howitzer - A very difficult question.
Snippet - A cut off small piece of your pet.
Dumpy - The person who's been dumped by his/her partner.
Paladin - The commotion created by pals.
2) When the wives & girlfriends of footballers are without an iota of humor in them,why the hell are they called WAGS?
3) This athlete injures his knee very badly in an accident. The physiotherapist says he kneeds a surgery.
4) This Oriental guy returns home after a few years in the west. His people are surprised to see him being so wasteful. They say it's the wastern influence.
5) Director Ang Lee is livid that the shooting is behind schedule. An assistant sees him & asks him ,"Are you annoyed,sir?" Ang Lee replies ,"Yeah,I'm Ang Lee".
For those who didn't get the joke : I read somewhere that Oriental men have a tendency to replace "R" with "L" while speaking.
6) I find washing dishes to be too tiring. I sure could use a slave to help me with this. Yeah,I want a vessel.
For those who didn't get it : vessel --> vassal.
7) The CEO of Ray Ban is a very defiant man. He always glares at others.
8) I found this little kid fooling around with a tyre of a car. I asked him whether he was trying to puncture the tyre. The kid issued a flat denial.
9) The garbage collectors group,all of whom are racing enthusiasts, has come out with a plan of holding dreg races.
10) This pro-vegetarian group is pretty pissed off with non-vegetarians. Some fanatics of this group suggest that they carry out violent attacks on non-vegetarians. However,the leader of the group says,"Violence is the last option. It's better to issue vealed threats."
11) Cold places aren't the best places to have sex. Y'know why?
Answer : 'cos you are likely to become frigid.
12) This lawyer, a specialist in handling divorce cases,is fed up of having handled only divorce cases for the past so many years. He says he wants a change & he is looking forward to handling other types of cases too. Yeah,he wants to divorcefy.
13) There's this competition for companies. It involves going bankrupt in the shortest time. I hear all the participants will go for broke.
14) Dell,the maker of PCs, is truly in deep shit. Its earnings have nosedived, it's struggling to keep down costs & it's also struggling to keep the shareholders happy. I guess it's a matter of time before the company is Delleted from the earth.
15) This dude has the habit of constantly complaining using the words "I don't like it." One fine day ,he decides to replace "I don't like it." with "This is not to my liking." Y'know what case is this ?
Answer: A case of old whine in new bottle.
16) One night,on my way home,I was accosted by a prostitute who offered her services. I was perplexed by this unknown woman & asked her ,"Who're you?"
17) This writer came out with a controversial book that pitted one particular religion against another religion. Sure enough,riots followed the publication of the book. It soon degenerated into a civil war & ultimately,the collapse of the nation. The writer sure wrote destruction,huh?
For those who didn't get it : wrote --> wrought
18) This fitness coach at the gym is a hard taskmaster. If you don't perform exercises for legs,he doesn't allow you to go squat free.
19) Valentino Rossi,the MotoGP racer, is asked about his future. He replies,"The future is Rossi."
20) If you do drugs , you'll end up as the dregs of society.
21) This woman,well known for her recklessness , was driving her car rashly when she met with an accident. She lost her breasts in that accident. Since then,she's been known as rackless.
22) This guy is taken to the cleaners by his wife when they divorce. He's deprived of almost all his wealth. He gets sad & is unable to snap out of depression for many months. His pal,not able to bear his sorry plight ,says to him , "Look,buddy,it's dime to move on."
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Slawter - To ruin a salad.
Rabbid - A rabbit with rabies.
Blizard - A rash of lizards.
Mockasin - Counterfeit leather shoes.
Harriedan - A stressed out harridan.
Dissability - The ability to insult.
Liverworst - A sausage made of the worst liver.
Desultry - Not having an iota of sex appeal.
2) The smell of burning joss sticks incenses me no end.
3) This tyrant takes cruelty to extreme lengths by not sparing anything,not even food. Yeah,he demands whipped cream topping.
4) What does a tailor say when he's pissed off because of a sewing mistake?
Answer : "Darn it".
5) This gambler goes to a casino. He plays the casino games recklessly & ends up owing the casino guys many times his wealth. He said he can't pay. What do the roughnecks of the casino do with the gambler?
Answer : They attack him with choppers ,swords & dice him.
6) This guy from Poland is going through a dense Amazon jungle,when he is attacked by a gang of hungry cannibals. The cannibals kill him. What do they do next?
Answer : They Polish him off.
7) This dog is very famous for retrieving chucked sticks & getting other things like the newspapers,shoes etc. The dog is very handsome too. You could say the dog looks fetching.
8) I'm very tired of work. I'm lounging to have a relaxing vacation .
9) This gambler goes to a casino & plays at the slot machines like there's no tomorrow. Sure enough, he ends up owing the casino many times his wealth. He says he can't pay. What do the roughnecks of the casino do?
Answer : They sloter him.
10) This food company ,which manufactures many different types of food under one brand umbrella ,is thinking of hiving off its honey business into a separate business.
11) A few weeks ago, I met this babe who works in a glue factory. We are bonding well.
12) When it comes to shampoos, Procter & Gamble is Head & Shoulders above everyone else.
13) This country wants to be the world's largest producer of rice. The prime minister exhorts the farmers to rice to the occassion.
14) This rowing coach, who cheats on his girlfriend, has an uncanny talent for spotting people with rowing skills. Guess he has a rowing eye.
15) A joke about cocaine cracks me up.
16) This pedigreed bitch(as in female dog) is upset with her boyfriend, a mongrel who lives on the streets. Why?
Answer : 'cos he strays very often.
17) Nike's sales have hit an Air pocket.
18) The top brass of Exxon Mobil was charged with insider trading. After a thorough enquiry , they were Exxonerated.
19) My pals said that I'm too boring & sedate. I tried to be loud,boisterous,fun-loving for the past few months. I've been unsuccessful so far in changing myself. I am staidily losing hope of giving myself a makeover.
20) This kangaroo is hopping mad.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Versatile - Being able to churn out lots of poems.
Harem - A collection of rabbits.
Cashmere - A small amount of money.
Dragon - To prolong tediously.
Mankind - A man who's very considerate.
Shrewd - An intelligent woman who's prone to scolding others.
Vandalize - To willfully destroy a van.
Crowbar - A watering hole for crows.
Flummox - To confuse an ox.
Alibility - The ability to cook up excuses.
Togle - To alternate between ogling & not ogling.
Armorous - To have a deep love for armor.
Apeiary - A place where monkeys are kept.
Commatose - A state of not using commas in writing.
Tollrant - To rage against an unjust toll.
Conoisseur - An expert who appreciates the field of conning.
Canarda - A country where everyone spreads false stories.
2) The press always mocks this airheaded socialite's bad English. The press prints her utterings & writing ad verbatim, liberally peppering the exact words with "(sic)". The socialite is sic of being ridiculed.
3) I'm being harassed by this sadistic guy for a long time. He lets loose his huge dogs on me to get a kick out of seeing me crap in my pants. I'm sic of this.
4) This lady meets with an accident. A few months after the operation,she finds that she still has numerous scars. So she visits a cosmetic surgeon to remove the scars. After the operation,she asks the surgeon,"Have all the scars gone?" The surgeon replies,"Well,all but a few. The scars are scarce now."
5) This tightly knit family has a few generations living together. They are in the business of making marijuana cigarettes. A joint family, huh?
6) The raging fire in the flea market forced everyone to flee.
7) Heard about this guy who works as a photographer in the day & as a pimp by night? Flash trade in the morning, flesh trade in the night.
8) Guy : Are you a virgin?
Babe : Yes.
Guy : Really?
Babe : That's the hole truth.
9) Pepsico is coming out with a new energy drink for gays. It's gonna be called "Gaytorade".
10) Heard about this ugly female assassin? Well,she's got looks that kill.
11) This guy is fed up of his girlfriend's obsession of squeezing lime in every food item that she prepares. No wonder their relationship is souring.
Friday, July 6, 2007
2) This golfer is also a talented actor ,y'know ? Yeah,he's quite good at putting on an act.
3) This calculus professor has no children. You could say he has no derivatives.
4) This babe caught her glue-maker boyfriend in bed with another woman.Enraged,she shot him dead. Guess cheating sealed his fate.
5) This guy fell into a huge vat of glue. He met with a sticky end.
6) Kimi Raikkonnen ,the Ferrari racer, wins the 2007 World Drivers' Championship. Then everybody asks McLaren,"How could you be so K R less to let go of him?"
7) This punk loses in the International Shagging Contest. He's very upset & unhappy. His pals try to console him with "Cheer up,mate. It's not the end of the world. Try your hand at something else."
8) Cadbury Schweppes made a foray into the carbonated drinks category in India. They failed miserably. You could say that the competition 'Crush'ed Cadbury Schweppes.
9) Heard about this eccentric calculus professor? Well,he's got problems integrating into the society.
10) This guy is pissed off with poorly written books on general knowledge.So he gathers a heap of such books & sets them on fire. The police ask him what the hell he is doing. He replies,"I am culling information."
11) Rene Lacoste was never popular with people & never had any real friends. When he died , a large number of people shed Crocodile tears.
12) I can't figure out why I'm bad at maths.
13) Babes always do well in maths. Yeah,they are quite good with figures.
14) This rat & a donkey have a big showdown & they go to a court. The judge throws out their case with the words,"I don't give a rat's ass about this trivial matter."
15) This award-winning writer feels like having sex with his favourite whore. So he calls up the pimp & says ,"Booker."
16) The Tour de France was down to its last stage. These 2 cyclists were tied for the first place. The 2 were going neck & neck in the last stage & it wasn't clear who'd win.A few miles before the finish line one of the cyclists , a cunning guy, started talking non-stop to his rival. This disturbed the rival & he lost. "Spoke" in the wheel,huh?
17) Fat people are very stupid. Yeah,they're thick.
18) You oat to eat breakfast everyday.
19) Quaker & Kellogs are thinking of getting into the entertainment industry. They want to make cereals.
20) This fat man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor says ,"I'm afraid you've got a slim chance of living a long life."
21) PETA wants to put an end to killing cows for beef. So they are going to start a mooment.
22) The marriage of this couple ,both geologists, has hit a rocky patch.
23) This biased man loses his buttocks in an accident. Now everybody calls him bye-assed.
24) What did the male sheep say to the female sheep?
Answer : I love ewe.
25) What do you do when you're pissed off with a philatelist?
Answer : You stamp him.
26) This software engineer, a cheap & trashy guy, got dumped by his g.f. Why?
Answer : 'cos she found him techie.
27) Which football ground has the refrees handing out the maximum number of red cards?
Answer : Stampford Bridge.
28) Bees are very wealthy ,y'know? Well,it shouldn't be a surprise given that they are stingy.
29) If you walk in a very weird way ,it gaits to people.
30) Exxon Mobil has come out with a stunning new advertisment. It's very slickly made.
31) This punk has no respect for social manners. He often shoots off his mouth & embarrasses others. His mother is at the end of her tether & asks him,"Have you ever thought how your words cause embarrassment to others?" He replies ,"No,it never awkward to me."
32) There is a dramatic decrease in the number of wildcats in the forest. The police arrest this guy who stays on the outskirts of the forest & charge him with hunting wildcats for their fur. However the court lets him off as the police fails to establish the lynx between the guy & the disappearance of the wildcats.
33) The farmers , the fruit growers & the granary owners complain to the government that much of their output is being damaged by beetles. The government says ,"Don't worry. Weevil solve your problems."
34) This gay man, a wannabe socialite, is really fond of being seen among the swish set.
35) This low-budget film "Insomnia" was released with no hype. It picked up publicity by word of mouth & became a sleeper hit.
(By the way,Insomnia is a really good movie. Christopher Nolan is a genius. I've yet to see the movie. The reviews are outstanding.)
36)This cricket-mad gigolo is a very good batsman. He effortlessly sends the bouncers soaring to the boundary. Know why?
Answer : 'cos he's a hooker.
37)A cricket match is going to be played between the Frankenstein XI & the Werewolf XI. Dracula is going to be the vampire.
38)I've the hots for this babe,a veterinarian. She's a vet dream come true.
Rankled - To be infuriated at not getting the top rank.
Lackadaisical - Not having daisies.
Warrant - To rage against a war.
Bullet - To let in a bull.
Penultimate - The last pen.
Pentagram - 5 grams.
Expensive - An ex who is brooding.
Otter - A person who is fond of going Over The Top.
Ad verbatim - An advertisement that is a shameless copy of some other ad.
Fuckadaisical - Too listless to fuck.
Draconion - A very harsh onion that makes you cry excessively.
Sindicate - A group of sinners.
Disemvowel - To remove all vowels when sending a sms or chatting online.
Pleabeian - A request made by a commoner.
Amfibian - Someone who lies about being able to live on both land & water.
Hairlot - A whore who can give Rapunzel a run for her money.
Coorier - A messenger for sending lovey-dovey messages between lovers.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
2) This elusive thief has one weakness. He just can't resist a woman with a nice rack. So the police entice him with a well endowed policewoman acting as a hooker. He falls for the booby trap.
3) This once healthy man took to chain smoking. Over the years,the heavy smoking took its toll & rendered him impotent. A case of going to seed,huh?
4) This babe is known for circulating wild rumours & gossip that brings others to grief. Her nickname is "Buzzooka".
5) The police arrest this conwoman & bring her to the prison. What do they do with her?
Answer : Jailer.
6) This experienced weaver lost the tag of the best weaver in the world to an upcoming weaver. The old geezer then made a wove to regain his numero uno status.
7) I recently took a bath in a bathtub filled with inferior quality liquor. I had a swill time.
8) Rip van Winkle's dying wish was to have a tombstone mentioning only his surname. So his tombstone read "R.I.P van Winkle".
9) Heard about this man who slept for 20 years?When he woke up ,he found he had become very old & haggard. People called him Rip van Wrinkle.
10) Heard about this man who slept for 20 years & then after waking up,went on a slashing spree with his 12 inch knife? They called him "Jack the Ripper van Winkle".
11) It was 7 a.m when I tried to swat these flies. When I finally swatted the last of those damned things, I was shocked to find the time was 12 a.m. When you are engrossed ,time sure flies ,eh?
12) These photographers have come together to form a click.
13) This truck carrying shit swerved out of control & turned turdtle.
14) I was amazed to see this guy cleaning the filthiest & the smelliest toilet without so much as crinkling his nose. I asked him how he could do so. His reply was ,"Son,after 10 years in this job,no toilet faeces me anymore."
15) This man is a master of disguise. He uses turd to change his mug. Man of many faeces ,isn't he?
16) This dullard goes to a party. Sometime into the party ,he does a handstand. Know why?
Answer : 'cos somebody said, "Bottoms up".
17) This guy is drinking soup when his pal drops in. His pal drinks a few spoons of the soup & says the soup tastes funny. The first guy says ,"No,I find it Knorrmal."
18) This jockey loses the derby & feels suicidal. His pals try to cheer him up with "C'mon ,don't be upset over a mare race."
19) This little bee is very unruly. As it happens,his mom has to host a party. So she warns him to be on his best beehaviour.
20) This motorman took to boozing after his g.f ditched him. Boozing made him go off-track & his career was derailed.
21) This guy has an ambition of starting a beer brewery. He's got the brewery draught ready.