Thursday, July 29, 2010

Pun Intended - 45

1) Q: What does a whore say during Halloween?

     A: "Trick or teat?"

2) Heard about this guy who went insane from being sodomized? "Driven round the bend", indeed.

3) Heard about the method actor who just landed the role of a dermatologist? He's trying hard to get into the skin of his character.

4) Heard about this dermatologist who ventured into films? Now all he does is skin flicks.

5) Q: So what does a sex-crazed plumber say every time he sees a hot babe?    
   A: "I wanna tap that!"

6) Q: What do you say to a zombie who's obsessed with trivial matters?

   A: "Get a life."

7) If you get an STD & become unwell/depressed, does it mean you're "laid low"?

8) Q: What's the worst way to greet a man with priapism?

    A: "What's up?"

9) Have poor knowledge of recreational drugs? Don't worry, I'll bring you up to speed.

10) Heard about the necrophiliac hitman? First he whacks you, then he whacks off.

11) Repairs on the leaning tower of Pisa are going on at full tilt.

12) So, at this wanking contest, I'm the top seed & I'm pretty sure I'll win it hands down.

13) Q: How do you describe the mood of a well-endowed basketball player?

     A: Cock-a-hoop.

14) Heard about the basic, no-frills condom with no sense of humour? Well, it doesn't like to be ribbed.

15) Why did Minnie Mouse feel humiliated while giving birth? 'cos the doc & nurses were taking the mickey out of her.

16) if you're a police informant a sex maniac to boot, & you've to tell the police about a ho's crimes, the newspaper headline would read "Sex crazy informant fingers prostitute"

17) I hope no one gets wind of my farting problem.

18) Q: If you’re fondling your babe’s jugs, and your boss phones you, what should be your response?

     A: “Sorry boss, I’ve got my hands full.”

19) What exactly does an party-loving, club-hopping, axe-wielding, machine-gun-toting psychopath mean when he says "I'm going to paint the town red." ?

20) Q: Why isn't Ali Baba ever denied sex by his wife?
     A: 'cos all he has to do is get in front of her closed legs & say 'Open Sesame'.

21) Is 'Speed TV' a channel dedicated to meth?

22) In my previous job as a copywriter, my boss was unhappy with my work. Trying to defend myself, I said, "But I took my best stab at writing the copy." The boss replied, "Oh, I trust you did. In fact so well, that you murdered the copy." 

23) Heard about the hardcore flirt who ejaculates over a long distance? Yeah, he comes on too strongly.

24) So this struggling porn actress has finally landed a meaty role.

25) A spanking new S & M shop has opened in my area.

26) Masochist = Someone who beats off to getting beaten up.

27) Men, who says you've to shell out a bomb to gift your girlfriend bling-bling? At absolutely no cost to you, she can play with your family jewels and get a dazzling pearl necklace.

28) So this prostitute steals 5000 fake penises from a sex toy factory. Headlines next day: "Ho pinches 5000 one-eyed snakes in one day."

29) Every one of my jobs was emotionally taxing. Y'see, every one of 'em bored me to tears.

30) This upset guy with a split personality is beside himself.

31) If recreational drugs are outlawed, can one be arrested for taking Viagra?

32) Q: When does a cannibal eat human brains?
      A: When it's time to have some food for thought.

33) If a Mexican guy has newly joined the labour force, is it racist to call him 'wet behind the ears'?

34) Y'know, a traffic jam is often sexual in nature. For men, at least. Y'see, it involves a heavy usage of the start-stop technique.

35) This guy, who was born in grinding poverty and yet went on to become a wealthy pimp, is coming out with his autobiography. It's titled "From Rags to Bitches".

36) When it came to inaction & letting Rome go to hell, Nero certainly didn't play second fiddle.

37) You can't be sure what exactly a sex-crazed cannibal means when he says "I'm gonna eat my girlfriend!"

38) Heard about this rich prostitute who provides capital to companies, without taking up an active role? Yeah, she likes to be a sleeping partner.

39) The Black Widow devours her male partner with consummate ease.

40) Heard about this dominatrix who services both coarse, uncouth men as well as posh, refined gentlemen? Yeah, she straddles both worlds with ease.

41) So, this pop star, accused of pedophilia, is asked by a reporter, "So what exactly where the children doing in your home?" The pop star replies, "Playing musical instruments." Reporter asks, "Musical instruments? Like what?" Pop star replies, "My organ."

42) So, this gimp, after losing every match in an S & M competition (don't ask me what goes on there) says forlornly, "I guess I'm everybody's whipping boy."

43) To make people laugh, you've to go for their jocular.

44) I think I may have lost my sense of humour. I fractured my funny bone & severed my jocular vein.

45) My porn movie's tribbing scenes didn't make it past the censors' scissors.

46) Beware, software geeks, a hot laptop can destroy your bits.

47) So this guy who's into sadism, keeps on beating his girlfriend without penetrating. Exasperated by the lack of action, she says "C'mon already, stop beating around the bush!"

48) Overheard a woman's rant: "My boyfriend isn't innovative in bed. For him, it's only pussy, pussy & pussy. I wish he'd think outside the box." 

49) Zillions of years ago, a wise old man predicted humans of the future would be forced to have protected sex. His words proved to be prophylactic.

50) Q: Why did the clown in the movie run?

     A: 'cos he wanted to be a running joke.

51) My girlfriend rarely puts out. Yeah, she's mingy with her minge.

52) Q: What's common to Ada Lovelace, widely considered the world's first computer programmer, & Linda Lovelace, the immortal porn star of 'Deep Throat'?

A: Both had something to do with bits.

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